The New Mesopotamia Times

Blair visits Iraq, praises 'courageous' election workers

Baghdad …. During a surprise visit to Baghdad to meet with Iraqi leaders and Electoral Commission officials in the run-up to Iraq's national polls next month, British Prime Minister Tony Blair yesterday praised election workers for their "courage and bravery in the face of growing hostility in the run-up to the elections"

"These daring men and women face a thankless, daunting task, in extremely difficult conditions and against almost impossible odds," Blair said. "They are true heroes."

When asked if he'd met any of these Iraqi election workers while in Baghdad, Blair replied, "Errrr, actually, I wasn't talking about them …. I meant my Labour Party election workers who are going to have to face the voters in next year's UK general elections and explain to them why we're in the mess we're in now."

Blair meets Iyad Allawi, the US-appointed leader of the US-appointed Iraqi Governing Council
"They would have to meet people in their neighbourhoods and communities, risking their reputations and standing in society, and calmly, in a straight face, tell people why invading and occupying Iraq is such a jolly great and good thing," Blair said. "They will have to explain to voters about why it was absolutely necessary for us to find Iraq's imaginary weapons of mass destruction - and do it without giggling or laughing uncontrollably. That takes great strength, willpower and determination."

"They will have to mumble pathetic lame excuses when people ask them about torture in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay," he added. "They will have to look like idiotic buffoons when they are gob-smacked by silly questions like how many civilians have been killed in the war."

Democracy growing steadily in Iraq, declining steadily in the UK

"Look, do you know how many civilians were killed since the invasion?" Blair protested. "I don't, so why ask me? I can tell you how exactly many barrels of oil is pumped out of Iraq every hour of the day for the past two years - but, dead people, don't look at me."

Blair added that Labour election workers would have to make great sacrifices. "Especially sacrificing their dignity and self-respect - as they tell friends and colleagues why it was important to obliterate a town of 300,000 men, women and children so we could 'liberate' Falluja," he said. "and they'll have to say it with a friendly New Labour smile."

"They will have explain to people why we are helping build a free, democratic Iraq where the majority of Iraqis can finally decide their own destiny- while we tell the majority of Britons here who are against the war to just piss off." 

"And then there are the endless jokes about me, George Bush and vaseline. To face all that hostility and humiliation, to tell lie upon lie and sound as though you believe it, you have to be incredibly courageous," Blair concluded. "Or a complete twat."

When asked to comment on President George W Bush's admission earlier this week that insurgents were having "an impact", Blair agreed. "Sure they're having an impact - what a dumb-ass thing to say,  just look at all those big holes in roads and government buildings in the Coalition Green Zone. I wouldn't want impacts like that on my two Bristol flats, I can tell you that, mate." 

Blair warned the people of Iraq that its elections could be marred by a deadly campaign of fear, intimidation and violence. "But forget Falluja, we need to move on."

"We need to stay the course, we the British aren't a nation of quitters, and we’re not going to quit on this task either," Blair emphasised, "Well, not until the Yanks tell us to anyway"

In a rare, tearful moment, Blair said that he was personally saddened by war. "There are innocent people - men, women and children - dying in Iraq. Oh, but don't ask me how many, though, because I can't tell you. But, then, you must remember, the reason people are dying is because of the terrorist attacks of our enemies. Oh, yes, and because we drop lots and lots of big bombs on them. Oh, never mind."

Joseph Moore, a press spokesman for Downing Street also expressed deep shock over the bombing of a US army base in Mosul that very same afternoon. "We were horrified - that story completely buried the Prime Minister's visit during the News at Ten. And we'd spent weeks organizing that great photo-op of his with those two big guns."

Photo-op with Big Gun ruined
Blair flew from Baghdad the same afternoon for talks in Jerusalem where he hopes to end the 50 year-old Arab-Israeli conflict, establish an independent Palestinian state, guarantee the security of Israel, end starvation in Africa, ensure England wins the 2006 World Cup and be home for tea on Thursday. Sorted.

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.