The New Mesopotamia Times

US tells Syria to leave Lebanon, Syria tells US to 
leave Iraq
In a strongly worded statement to the UN Security Council, the US yesterday told Syria to withdraw its troops from Lebanon and stop intervening in the affairs of its smaller neighbours. In retaliation, Syria today told the US to withdraw its  troops from Iraq and stop intervening in the affairs of  the rest of the world.

Syria first sent troops into Lebanon in 1976 to stop the escalation of the civil war between Muslims and Christians there. The US first sent troops into Iraq in 2003 which has started the escalation of the civil war between Shi'ites and Sunnis there.


The UN Security Council in session
US envoy Tyrone Powell urged Syria to respect international law and withdraw its troops from Lebanon, in line with UN Security Council Resolution 1559. The UN Syrian envoy Tariq Ali refused, saying the 15,000 troops it has in Lebanon was insignificant compared to the 150,000 US troops in Iraq. "And you're talking to me about Security Council Resolutions, Mr We-Can-Invade-Iraq-Without-The-UN?!", he added.

Powell defended the US occupation of Iraq, saying US troops were there to maintain security and protect its interests. "Why can't you guys collect stamps and have normal interests like regular people?" Tariq asked during the heated Security Council debate.

The US protested that it had obtained UN approval for the invasion, which Syria countered by reminding the US that the Security Council did not approve any unilateral military action.
"Did to!" Powell said.
"Did not!" Tariq replied.
"Did to!"
"Did not!"
"Did to!"
"Did not!"
"Did to!"
"Did to!"
"Did not!"
"Ha1 Ha1 Fooled ya!"
"My dad can beat up your dad!" 

The Americans and Cubans exchange human rights abuses this Christmas
Powell and Ali then discontinued discussions and attempted to pull each other's hair.

The debate ended in a series of complex diplomatic manoeuvres where the US tabled a motion for a Resolution demanding Syria immediately leave Lebanon, to which Syria proposed a counter-Resolution demanding the US immediately leave Iraq. This was followed by Iraq drafting text for a Motion to be passed proposing the US and Syria immediately leave it alone and Norway read a Resolution seeking to immediately leave the room because it needed to go pass motion.

In another bizarre diplomatic tangle, Cuba retaliated against the Christmas billboard display erected in the courtyard of the U.S. Embassy supporting 75 jailed Cuban political dissidents by putting up its own billboard opposite it, emblazoned with large photographs of American soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison. Somewhat missing the point, the Sudanese Embassy  added to the exchange of human rights abuses by putting up a billboard in front of its embassy with pictures depicting its Janjaweed militias massacring civilians.

Meanwhile, in a televised press conference, British Prime Minister Tony Blair today called for fresh polls in the republic of Ukraine, following protests by tens of thousands of demonstrators in its capital Kiev.  "In the name of democracy, we urge the Ukrainian government to listen to the voice of its people and do the right thing. The free world can hear the shouts of tens of thousands of ordinary Ukrainians who have flooded the streets of Kiev loudly demanding fresh elections." The rest of Mr Blair's speech was inaudible due to it being drowned out by the shouts of hundreds of thousands of ordinary British citizens who flooded the streets of London loudly demanding an end to the occupation of Iraq.

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story on Lebanon, click here. And just to prove that fact is sometimes funnier than fiction, click here to read the actual story of the Christmas decorations in Cuba.