The New Mesopotamia Times

Student sues school over 'dodgy dossier'
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Sheffield, England .... Schoolboy Terence Spinner-Campbell is suing the Ecclesfield Community Primary School for unjustly awarding him an 'F' grade for a Geography class project that was later used by British intelligence services in a government dossier on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

This follows an admission by un-named intelligence sources that the dossier's introductory chapter on the geography of Iraq was plagiarised almost word-for-word from the class project submitted by the ten-year boy to his schoolmistress Ms Olivia Marples, 54, last January.
 


"If the school project was good enough for Her Majesty's Intelligence Services, we do not see why it could not have at least warranted a D minus," said Collin Powis, a solicitor for the boy's family. "Good God,
we probably went to war partly because of it."

The controversy erupted when reporters at the launch of the dossier in Parliament last February were astonished by the unusual number of spelling, grammatical and factual mistakes in the introductory chapter.
"We suspected something was amiss when the dossier continually referred to the 'Iraqenese'", said a reporter from a daily tabloid.  "The dossier also frequently confused Saddam Hussein with England cricket captain
Nasir Hussain."

"We may not be intelligence experts but we knew that map of Iraq crudely drawn on the back of an S Club 7 poster with brightly coloured crayons was not derived from high-definition spy satellite imagery," he added
solemnly.
In an official statement from the school, Ms Marples defended her grading of the boy's homework. "It was a hastily-written, crude and inept piece of research, riddled with gross inaccuracies, mindless speculation and pure fantasy. And the boy's work was bad as well."

But a Downing Street spokesman said the dossier was "accurate" and that the government had never claimed exclusive authorship.  "The report was put together by a range of government officials," he said.  "As the report itself makes clear, it was drawn from a number of high-level intelligence sources, including school projects,  the Beano, OK! Magazine and even readings by the Prime Minister's personal astrologer. It also quotes highly-respected US intelligence sources such as the National Enquirer."

"The Government leaves no stone unturned in its quest for intelligence," he stressed.

Spinner-Campbell is also considering taking legal action against the Government for making deliberate changes to his original work, Powis said. "A comment he wrote about airline flights from Baghdad to the Gulf States taking 45 minutes was somehow changed to some nonsensical gibberish about deploying weapons of mass destruction."

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here and here. F or a real laugh,  click here for a copy of the actual dossier (427 Kb).