The New Mesopotamia Times

Bush: Don't meddle in Iraq's internal affairs
Washington DC .. In advance of Iraq's national elections next month, US President George W Bush today issued a stern warning to Iran and Syria not to interfere in Iraq's internal affairs.  The US suspects Iran and Iraq of providing money, men, arms and sanctuary to Iraqi groups opposed to the National Accord Party of the US-appointed leader of the US-appointed Iraqi Governing Council, Iyad Allawi.

"I want to make it clear to both Iran and Syria that that the United States will not tolerate them meddling in the internal affairs of Iraq - that's our job," Bush warned.

He demanded that Iran and Syria immediately stop what he said was the flow of spies, arms and money into Iraq.  "There are more than enough of our own spies, arms and money flowing into Iraq," Bush said.

Bush warned of foreign fighters surging across Iraq's borders

Bush stressed that Iraq is an independent, sovereign nation and that both Iran and Syria should abide by international law and respect its borders. "Unless, of course, you're invading it, like we did," he added.

He specifically accused Syria of allowing movement across the border of foreign fighters aiding the Iraqi insurgency. "This is completely unacceptable - the only foreign fighters in Iraq should be American."

Mr Bush accused Iran and Syria of orchestrating insurgent attacks and especially warned Tehran that it should not become the "most dangerous enemy of Iraqi people". 

A real, mean dog has been deployed at the Iraq-Iran border
"Abu Ghraib and Falluja have clearly demonstrated that only the United States can credibly lay claim to that title," Bush said. "We will not accept any old Johnny-Come-Lately trying to muscle in on our action."

"You know I'm just looking for any teeny, weeny, little excuse to invade you," Bush warned Teheran. "Go ahead - make my day."

Coalition forces have redoubled their efforts to stop the flow of people and arms from its neighbours by putting 'Iranians and Syrians, Keep Out' signs along the border. A real, mean dog has also been deployed at the Shatt al Arab checkpoint crossing on the Iraq-Iran border.

In a related development, the US-appointed leader of the US-appointed Iraqi Governing Council, Iyad Allawi ushered Iraq's first tentative steps in true democracy with the launch of a smear campaign aimed at discrediting the Vietnam war record of his main rival, Shia cleric Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani.  

A group linked to Allawi's National Accord Party and calling itself the 'Euphrates Swift Boat Veterans For Truth' has alleged that the Ayatollah "exaggerated his valour in combat in Vietnam, was never wounded in battle there and did not capture a single Viet Cong guerrilla during his tour of duty."

When contacted, Ayatollah Sistani admitted that he "had never served as a soldier in Vietnam, had never set eyes upon a single Vietnamese person in my life and have never even set foot in Vietnam."

"In fact, up to last September, I'd never even been anywhere outside of Karbala," the Ayatollah said. "I don't know what those jack-asses  are rabbiting on about."
Allawi revealed that his election campaign would also focus on reconciling the country's disparate political strands and encouraging national unity, and he pledged to rise above ethnic differences. "Our bombing of the Sunni stronghold of Falluja clearly demonstrated that," he explained. "We have cleared the city of terrorists and the Sunnis can now safely take part in the scheduled Jan. 30 elections - despite the fact that there are no longer any buildings left standing in the town for them to vote in and at least  200,000 of them are still scattered across the desert living in makeshift tents and refugee camps."

"We hope our Sunni brothers will realise that, with these elections, we finally have the chance to finally lead our own nation and we will be able to decide what is best for our people," Allawi said. "Of course, by 'we' I mean me and my old CIA buddies."

Ayatollah Sistani's Vietnam war record in question

Bush said that he was encouraged that the Iraqi elections were already embracing all the tenets of American-style democracy  such as character assassination, fear campaigns and disenfranchisement of minority voters. He encouraged Allawi to immediately declare war on Iran and invade. "There's nothin' like a good, ol' shootin' war and commander-in-chief president to get the votes in, bud, trust me," Bush said with a wink"

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.