The New Mesopotamia Times

US to expand Axis of Evil 
New York .... In response to growing international pressure, Bush aides today indicated that the State Department is looking at revising the list of countries in the Axis of Evil. "We are looking at a variety of policy options and alternatives, such as the possibility of changing it to a Quartet of Evil or even an Evil Dirty Dozen," said State Department spokesman Harry Falsemann.

George W Bush first referred to the "axis of evil" during his State of the Union in May 2002, singling out Iran, Iraq and North Korea as rogue states arming to threaten the peace of the world. Sudan launched a withering verbal attack on the US at the UN General Assembly today, accusing the Bush Administration of "favouritism" and "prejudice" for being excluded from membership of the Axis of Evil. 

Sudan's Janjaweed militias allege they are just as Evil as Iraqi Republican Guards
"The government of Sudan has worked hard to do everything Iraq has done," said Sudan's Ambassador to the UN Osama ben Janjaweed. "We've outlawed democracy. We have a brutal military dictatorship. We have massacred tens of thousands of our own citizens. We have starved millions more. We have ignored UN resolutions. But what do we get for all our Evildoer ways? Nada. Zip."

Sudan accused the US of blatant favouritism, saying Iraq was given special preference just because it has the second largest oil reserves in the world. That is grossly unfair," ben Janjaweed protested. "Anyway, we're Africa's largest producer of sesame seed - come on, that surely must count for something, guys. Think buns. Think bread sticks"

Similar criticism came from former Serbian president Slobovan Milosevic. "We massacred, we butchered, we ethnically-cleansed, we invaded, stuck our finger up at the UN, we did everything right. But because we have no oil, we're treated like any other regular, civilized, law-abiding country by the US. It is an insult to Evildoers everywhere."

Saddam: 'I'm Bad'
Sudan and Serbia have started informal talks proposing their own Axis of We're-Just-As-Evil-So-There.

Interviewed in his prison cell in Abu Ghraib, former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein scoffed at the protests from Sudan and Serbia. "What? You call yourselves evil? Gimme a break! We are the Mother of All Evil! We were at war with 34 countries in 1991 - try and beat that, losers! And we had more non-existent weapons of mass destruction than anyone I know- just ask Bush and Blair. Plus, we could launch them in 45 minutes!" He then broke into the chorus of Michael Jackson's hit song 'Bad', while doing a moonwalk around his prison cell.

In addition, the State Department is also analysing the feasibility of a compromise solution where countries could be included in other Axes according to different grades of Evil, ranging from the Axis of the Wicked, Axis of Nastiness, Axis of Badness and Axis of The Plain Mean, to the Axis of Naughtiness, Axis of Mischief, Axis of the Occasionally Misbehaves and Axis of the Often Cranky. 

"We will explore all avenues to ensure that every sovereign country will have a fair and equal opportunity to work towards being bombed and invaded by us, and liberated in the name of freedom and democracy," Falsemann stressed.

Falsemann denied the existence of a leaked White House memo mooting the classification of an Axis of the Just Plain Boring, consisting of Canada, Norway and New Jersey.

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.