The New Mesopotamia Times

Residents rejoice as Coalition forces bring democracy to Falluja
Al Falluja, Iraq .. Falluja, Iraq - With the end of the US assault on resistance fighters besieged in the Sunni stronghold of Falluja, Iraqi residents are celebrating the arrival of democracy to their beleaguered town.  US forces ushered democracy into the lives of Falluja's inhabitants in mid-November with a week of round-the-clock artillery and mortar bombardments, and air strikes, followed by a full-scale assault by 12,000 troops supported by heavy tanks.

"For twenty years under Saddam Hussein, my dear husband Kamal went to our local mosque every Friday evening to pray for democracy to return to Falluja," said housewife Ayisha Kaseem, 45. "Last Friday, he knew that his prayers had at last been answered when the three 500-pound American bombs landed in the mosque killing him and 54 others," she added, weeping with joy.

Democracy descends upon Falluja in the form of a Coalition artillery barrage
"My 14-year old son Ahmed would have loved to come out on the streets today and celebrate by welcoming the liberating American forces, had that Maverick missile not scored a direct hit in his bedroom last night," added a neighbour, Fateema Mohamed.

"God Bless George Bush and the USA! The indiscriminate bombing of our neigbourhood kindergarten has shown these resistance fighters that the Coalition forces will not tolerate any violence as Iraq embraces democracy!", said Tawfik Zakawi, as he tried attaching the severed limbs of his wounded seven-year old daughter.

Local residents in Falluja waiting to greet their liberators
Local schoolteacher Ahmed Mustafa said that he was never interested in politics before and expressed his thanks and gratitude to the Coalition forces for opening his eyes to what real democracy is and how the democratic process works. "By joining the Al-Mahdi Army Suicide Brigades yesterday, I hope to truly express my appreciation to Coalition forces for their efforts," he said as he was burying an improvised explosive device by the side of the road.

"Allah be praised," said Taha Rachid, 80, as he buried his wife and two grandchildren in his garden. "With democracy, no longer will the future our children be decided by the acts of a few desperate local gunmen - it will now be decided by a  few desperate men in the White House."

Commander of US forces in the Falluja area Lt-Colonel Herman Heiss said that the liberation of Falluja from resistance fighters was carried out with little loss of civilian life and property or disruption to ordinary life. "Just look at the figures - as many as 10,000 civilians are still alive and well in Falluja. That's nearly a whole five per cent of its original population."  Heiss also confirmed that more than eight out of Falluja's 120 mosques were "still standing" and "at least two houses" have been untouched by bombs or gunfire.

"Marines are also helping tidy the place up a bit by removing all those unsightly body parts that are littering the streets," he added.

Heiss vehemently denied claims that the US had wanted to completely obliterate the whole town as punishment for the acts of just a few desperate insurgents. "Let me state for the record that I categorically reject such allegations - there are not 'just a few desperate insurgents', there are probably tens or hundreds of thousands of the stinking bastards," he stressed.
He said that Coalition forces had employed the latest military technology to ensure that bombing was carried out with surgical, pin-point accuracy and precision. "For example, we made sure we gave civilians prior warning of any impending artillery bombardment by first spraying the area with heavy calibre machine-gun fire and setting it ablaze with phosphorus bombs," Heiss stressed. "And we ensured that each and every Apache attack helicopter dropped absolutely no more than just a mere 800 phosphorus bombs at any one time on any particular neighbourhood."

Heiss added that Coalition forces also ensured that the sacred and holy places were also left unmolested. "Not a single oil well, refinery or pipeline was attacked or damaged," he stressed.

Bombardments were carried out with surgical, pin-point accuracy and precision.
Meanwhile, in a sign that Falluja is now firmly under the control of Coalition forces, incidents of suicide car bomb attacks and roadside bombings in the town centre were reported to have increased by 600% since last week.

During a tour of the city, Heiss assured residents that the US offensive had completely broken the back of the insurgency, and given it a massive migraine as well. "The resistance in Falluja has been crushed, wiped out and is no more," he declared as insurgent mortar fire exploded some twenty yards behind him.

"We have made Falluja safe for democracy and even I can now walk its streets completely unharmed and unmolested," Heiss added as he leapt ten feet behind a dustbin to avoid sniper fire from a nearby mosque.

The leader of the US-appointed Iraq Governing Council Iyad Allawi called on resistance fighters to end their violence in the run up to the country's elections in January. "Now is a time for hope, peace and reconciliation," he stressed. "And if you don't like that, we'll bomb your towns back to the stone age."

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For an actual resident's account of the 'liberation' of Falluja, click here.