The New Mesopotamia Times

Abu Ghraib MPs protest
negative public image

Abu Ghraib, Iraq .... US Military Police officers today expressed deep frustration over the casual stereotyping in the media of the personnel involved in abuses at Abu Ghraib prison as sick, brutal psychopaths.  This followed the sentencing of about a dozen US military wardens convicted for their involvement in the scandal to a year's jail at Abu Ghraib itself, during which they themselves were abused by another dozen or so wardens. 

"As a sick, brutal military policeman myself, I feel hurt and distressed by the negative portrayal of my profession in some of the pinko-liberal media," said Corporal Susan London, 31, from Hunkydowee, Alabama, stationed at Abu Ghraib since the invasion. "We are Americans - none of us should have to live with this stereotyping and ignorance." 

She then began screaming and kicking a gagged and blindfolded Iraqi nearby. "It hurts that in this supposedly enlightened day and age, people still make assumptions about other people like that," London said, as she slowly inserted her truncheon into his anal orifice.


London and Kickasz: One for the family album 
back home in Hunkydowee, Alabama
"This is the 21st Century - we should not rely on simple generalizations. Each crazed military policeman is an individual, a person with feelings.""

Another Abu Ghraib warden, Private First Class Chip 'Crusher' Jones, 29, said that he himself has often been unfairly stereotyped. "Anytime I approach an Iraqi prisoner with a bit of electric wiring and a wooden club, he just blindly assumes I'm going to harm him," he said. "That really hurts my feelings."

"Yes, I sometimes do crack their skulls and force prisoners to perform fellatio n the name of law and order," he noted. "But there is so much more to me."
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Sikfack: Some of us like experimenting 
with electricity

"I walk into a supermarket with someone's blood and teeth on my trucheon and people immediately jump to conclusions," Jones said. "We are victims of prejudice, and this can be very hurtful and frustrating," he said weeping while sharpening his blood-stained hunting knife.

"People forget that we are professionals, here to bring freedom to Iraq and we take great pride in our work," said Corporal Jim Kickasz, 32. Kickasz gained worldwide fame when international news agencies beamed pictures of him fondling the buttocks of a human pile of  half a dozen abused Iraqi prisoners. "We have brought international recognition to the War On Terror in Iraq. And what do we get for it? Bad PR."

According to Abu Ghraib Commanding Officer James Sikfack, stereotypes against depraved, psychopathic military policemen don't work because they don't take into account the vast diversity of professional experience and expert skills among them. "There are so many different kinds of depraved, psychopathic military policemen. Each of us has our own unique reasons and motivations for the different and varied tasks we do. Some like cutting flesh. Some like experimenting with electricity. Others just like the brisk aerobic exercise from giving some stupid Iraqi a good beating."

"And others just like to watch," Sikfack added. "Some like to see the sight of blood, others like anuses. I personally like to see their eyes bulge and hear the gurgle in their throats as I ram my baton down their windpipes."

Lickasz stressed the importance of understanding and celebrating these different professional skills and expertise in the US Military Police. "All the different people of the world have something special to offer to each other," he said. "Our diversity is our greatest strength. Let's not make a weakness out of that strength."

To emphasize his point, Lickasz lobbed a grenade into a nearby jail cell, injuring nine.

"I'm proud to be a brutal, violent military policeman, obviously," he said as the smoke cleared. "But, remember, I'm a professional first. So eat this, you stinking towel-head!" he declared, as he rammed the butt of his automatic rifle into a nearby Iraqi's face. 

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.