The New Mesopotamia Times

Guantanamo resort launches promo campaign

The idyllic Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort today launched an exciting promotional campaign aimed at the lucrative Middle East holiday market. According to its Guest Relations Officer, Staff Sergeant Abe Graib, the campaign is particularly aimed at "an emerging and fast-growing customer base" in Iraq. 

"We're telling customers there - don't just sit in your bullet-riddled minaret just dreaming of that perfect get-away-from-it-all holiday," Graib said. "Waiting for you at our exclusive Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort is the ideal vacation experience of a lifetime! In fact, we promise you that you're gonna stay there for a lifetime - if the SupremeCourt, the UN, the International Red Cross and Amnesty International just leave us alone," Graib added.

Graib said that the new all-inclusive holiday package has been specially-tailored for the busy Iraqi Resistance Fighter who is "just plain sick and tired of the daily routine of getting bombed by A-10 strike aircraft, shelled by Abrams Main Battle Tanks and shot at by troops of the 1st Infantry Division - day in, day out, seven days a week."


Guantanamo Bay Resort:  Being packaged as the unique get-away-from-it-all adventure holiday experience for the busy Resustance fighter

"Instead of just trying to get away from Falluja, we are telling them to really get away from it all - to the coconut palms, sandy beaches, balmy sea breeze and electrified razor wire fences of Guantanamo!" Graib said.

"Just picture yourself strolling on a warm, soft, sandy beach," Graib mused. "Albeit, with your hands and ankles shackled in irons, blindfolded with a hood over your head and a Marine moving you forward with the butt of his rifle."

Grain added that the package promises to be a real get-away-from-it-all holiday. "We promise customers that there'll be no modern-day distractions like business calls, e-mails, faxes, TV, radio - in fact, you will have no contact at all from anyone in the outside world, be it work colleagues, friends, family, loved ones, legal counsel or human rights observers."
 
Flights and Transfers

The all-inclusive package will include one-way flights and transfers from the exclusive Abu Ghraib Grand Hotel in Iraq to the Bagram Airbase Hotel in Afghanistan, and onwards to exotic Cuba. To ensure the comfort and safety of all our guests, we will ensure that they are all blindfolded, strapped, cuffed and shackled to the cargo hold of the luxurious C130 cargo planes taking them on the comfortable 3-day flight to Guantanamo. Helpful flight attendants from 82nd Airborne Division will be on hand to give you a swift kick in the head should you inadvertently fall asleep and miss the breath-taking views of the Atlantic Ocean.
 

Location

The Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort is on the south-eastern tip of the beautiful island of Cuba, surrounded on all sides by malaria-ridden mangrove swamps, salt-marshes and, especially for lovers of wildlife, some of the most shark-infested waters in the Caribbean. A US Naval Base is just a convenient five minutes drive from the resort. 

International star rating

Unfortunately, we have only have a zero-star rating from the International Red Cross, Amnesty International and the UN's Geneva Convention. However, we are proud to announce that the Baath Party Hoteliers' Association have given us a generous four-star rating (One-star= Tough, two-star=Painful, three-star=Sick,  four-star=Depraved, five-star=Psychotic)
 

Accommodation

Accommodation is provided in the form of luxurious get-back-to-basics open-sided wire mesh cages, which means that guests can enjoy the full warmth of the 35 degree tropical sun all day long! The feel of the rain gently beating on your face during the area's frequent hurricanes is also a holiday experience you will not forget. The cages are a spacious 1.8 metres by 2 metres and en-suite toilet facilities are  provided in the form of your own personal iron bucket. Guests have a choice of single-bed concrete floor, twin-bed concrete floor or king size concrete floor.  Special deluxe isolation cells available upon request. All rooms come tastefully decorated with absolutely nothing.
 


Amenities

Always worried about what to take from your wardrobe when going on holiday? Is your luggage always over the baggage allowance because you just brought too many t-shirts? Well, you don't have to worry about clothes at the Guantanamo Beach Resort - because you won't be allowed to bring any. Guests will be provided - free of charge - with their own attractive bright orange boiler suit to be worn during the duration of their stay in our resort. Specially designed by the CIA, these boiler suits will be a sure babe magnet and come with matching accessories such hand cuffs, leg manacles, hand cuffs, chains, blindfold and plastic hood. Same-day dry cleaning of bloodstains from boiler suits will be provided.

Recreation

Our enthusiastic Military Intelligence and CIA interrogators er, I mean, guest relations officers, will ensure that there you do not have a dull moment at Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort. Hand-picked from our hotel training facility in Abu Ghraib, Iraq, our officers will ensure that you can enjoy the torture activity of your choice. Get back to shape with the brisk exercise of eight-hour sessions of random beatings while being handcuffed and blindfolded. Or maybe you prefer the more relaxed joys of sleep deprivation or being regularly injected with mind-altering drugs and interrogated. For animal lovers, you can have many fun-filled days frolicking with and being terrorised by our crazed attack dogs. For those of you who were formerly guests at our world famous Abu Ghraib Grand Hotel, you may like to know that we too have a packed itinerary of sexually-humiliating activities, including body cavity searches and forced sodomy.

Checkout Time

Guests do not have to worry about being in a rush packing before your checkout time - because there is no checkout.

Here's what some of our previous guests have to say

Mohamed Iqbal, of Sammara, Iraq: "I knew that I was in for a fun-time when I was repeatedly punched, kicked and slapped as soon as I arrived at the resort. The rest of my stay did not disappoint and I left brain-damaged but happy - thank you, Guantanamo!"
 

Ahmed Rasul, of Kandahar, Afghanistan: When I arrived, my guard pointed a gun to my head and told me: 'The world does not know you're here - we can kill you and no one would know'. Where else would you find such warm, welcoming resort staff who make you feel so at home?"
 

Shafiq Sabri, of Baghdad, Iraq: "I was only a simple baker in Baghdad. After my stay at Guantanamo, I was so full of appreciation for my gracious hosts that, in gratitude, I have now joined as a full-time member the Ansar Al-Islam Death Squads. Thank you, America."
 

More information
For more details and a FREE colour brochure on Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort, please write to D. Rumsfeld, Department of Defence, Washington DC. Or surrender at your nearest Coalition checkpoint or army base.

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. If you think we were kidding about the 'recreation activities' outlined above, click here and here and to read of the real-life experiences of some actual 'guests' at Guantanamo.