Guantanamo resort launches
The idyllic Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort today launched
an exciting promotional campaign aimed at the lucrative Middle East holiday
market. According to its Guest Relations Officer, Staff Sergeant Abe Graib,
the campaign is particularly aimed at "an emerging and fast-growing customer
base" in Iraq.
"We're telling customers there - don't just sit in your
bullet-riddled minaret just dreaming of that perfect get-away-from-it-all
holiday," Graib said. "Waiting for you at our exclusive Guantanamo Bay
Beach Resort is the ideal vacation experience of a lifetime! In fact, we
promise you that you're gonna stay there for a lifetime - if the SupremeCourt,
the UN, the International Red Cross and Amnesty International just leave
us alone," Graib added.
Graib said that the new all-inclusive holiday package
has been specially-tailored for the busy Iraqi Resistance Fighter who is
"just plain sick and tired of the daily routine of getting bombed by A-10
strike aircraft, shelled by Abrams Main Battle Tanks and shot at by troops
of the 1st Infantry Division - day in, day out, seven days a week."
Guantanamo Bay Resort: Being packaged as
unique get-away-from-it-all adventure holiday experience for the busy Resustance
"Instead of just trying to get away from Falluja, we are
telling them to really get away from it all - to the coconut palms, sandy
beaches, balmy sea breeze and electrified razor wire fences of Guantanamo!"
"Just picture yourself strolling on a warm, soft, sandy
beach," Graib mused. "Albeit, with your hands and ankles shackled in irons,
blindfolded with a hood over your head and a Marine moving you forward
with the butt of his rifle."
Grain added that the package promises to be a real get-away-from-it-all
holiday. "We promise customers that there'll be no modern-day distractions
like business calls, e-mails, faxes, TV, radio - in fact, you will have
no contact at all from anyone in the outside world, be it work colleagues,
friends, family, loved ones, legal counsel or human rights observers."
||Flights and Transfers
The all-inclusive package will include one-way flights
and transfers from the exclusive Abu Ghraib Grand Hotel in Iraq to the
Bagram Airbase Hotel in Afghanistan, and onwards to exotic Cuba. To ensure
the comfort and safety of all our guests, we will ensure that they are
all blindfolded, strapped, cuffed and shackled to the cargo hold of the
luxurious C130 cargo planes taking them on the comfortable 3-day flight
to Guantanamo. Helpful flight attendants from 82nd Airborne Division will
be on hand to give you a swift kick in the head should you inadvertently
fall asleep and miss the breath-taking views of the Atlantic Ocean.
The Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort is on the south-eastern
tip of the beautiful island of Cuba, surrounded on all sides by malaria-ridden
mangrove swamps, salt-marshes and, especially for lovers of wildlife, some
of the most shark-infested waters in the Caribbean. A US Naval Base is
just a convenient five minutes drive from the resort.
International star rating
Unfortunately, we have only have a zero-star rating from
the International Red Cross, Amnesty International and the UN's Geneva
Convention. However, we are proud to announce that the Baath Party Hoteliers'
Association have given us a generous four-star rating (One-star= Tough,
two-star=Painful, three-star=Sick, four-star=Depraved, five-star=Psychotic)
Accommodation is provided in the form of luxurious get-back-to-basics
open-sided wire mesh cages, which means that guests can enjoy the full
warmth of the 35 degree tropical sun all day long! The feel of the rain
gently beating on your face during the area's frequent hurricanes is also
a holiday experience you will not forget. The cages are a spacious 1.8
metres by 2 metres and en-suite toilet facilities are provided in
the form of your own personal iron bucket. Guests have a choice of single-bed
concrete floor, twin-bed concrete floor or king size concrete floor.
Special deluxe isolation cells available upon request. All rooms come tastefully
decorated with absolutely nothing.
Always worried about what to take from your wardrobe when
going on holiday? Is your luggage always over the baggage allowance because
you just brought too many t-shirts? Well, you don't have to worry about
clothes at the Guantanamo Beach Resort - because you won't be allowed to
bring any. Guests will be provided - free of charge - with their own attractive
bright orange boiler suit to be worn during the duration of their stay
in our resort. Specially designed by the CIA, these boiler suits will be
a sure babe magnet and come with matching accessories such hand cuffs,
leg manacles, hand cuffs, chains, blindfold and plastic hood. Same-day
dry cleaning of bloodstains from boiler suits will be provided.
Our enthusiastic Military Intelligence and CIA interrogators
… er, I mean, guest relations officers, will ensure that there you do not
have a dull moment at Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort. Hand-picked from our
hotel training facility in Abu Ghraib, Iraq, our officers will ensure that
you can enjoy the torture activity of your choice. Get back to shape with
the brisk exercise of eight-hour sessions of random beatings while being
handcuffed and blindfolded. Or maybe you prefer the more relaxed joys of
sleep deprivation or being regularly injected with mind-altering drugs
and interrogated. For animal lovers, you can have many fun-filled days
frolicking with and being terrorised by our crazed attack dogs. For those
of you who were formerly guests at our world famous Abu Ghraib Grand Hotel,
you may like to know that we too have a packed itinerary of sexually-humiliating
activities, including body cavity searches and forced sodomy.
Guests do not have to worry about being in a rush packing
before your checkout time - because there is no checkout.
Here's what some of our previous guests have to say
Iqbal, of Sammara, Iraq: "I knew that I was in for a fun-time when
I was repeatedly punched, kicked and slapped as soon as I arrived at the
resort. The rest of my stay did not disappoint and I left brain-damaged
but happy - thank you, Guantanamo!"
Rasul, of Kandahar, Afghanistan: When I arrived, my guard pointed a
gun to my head and told me: 'The world does not know you're here - we can
kill you and no one would know'. Where else would you find such warm, welcoming
resort staff who make you feel so at home?"
Sabri, of Baghdad, Iraq: "I was only a simple baker in Baghdad. After
my stay at Guantanamo, I was so full of appreciation for my gracious hosts
that, in gratitude, I have now joined as a full-time member the Ansar Al-Islam
Death Squads. Thank you, America."
For more details and a FREE colour brochure on
Guantanamo Bay Beach Resort, please write to D. Rumsfeld, Department of
Defence, Washington DC. Or surrender at your nearest Coalition checkpoint
or army base.
For a printable
version of this article in Adobe Acrobat PDF format, CLICK
||A dispatch from our Embedded
Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain.
If you think we were kidding about the 'recreation activities' outlined
above, click here and here
and to read of the real-life experiences of some actual 'guests' at Guantanamo.