The New Mesopotamia Times

Currys electronics shops to be investigated for links to al-Qaeda

London . . . . Following today's announced release of the last of the four Britons being held at Guantánamo Bay, British Intelligence today said that they would be investigating Currys, the popular British electronics chain store, for alleged links to Osama bin Laden and the al-Qaeda terror network. A Briton from Tipton in the West Midlands - Shafiq Rasul - had been detained without trial in Guantánamo for more than two years and confessed that he had appeared in a video with al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden and Mohammed Atta, one of the September 11 hijackers.  However, subsequent investigations later revealed that he had been working at a Midlands branch of Currys at the time the video was made. 

A spokesman for MI5 - Mr X - said that just because he had been selling stereos and audio-equipment in Currys at the time and was nowhere near Osama bin Laden doesn't necessarily mean that he was guiltless. "For all we know, Currys could well have been peddling WMDs for al Qaeda - Walkmen of Mass Destruction'."

Currys - a hotbed of terrorist activity? 
Mr X denied that Rasul's earlier confession could have been made under duress. "True, he had been routinely stripped naked, punched, kicked, beaten, drugged, sexually humiliated and deprived of sleep every day for over two years by his American captors. That doesn't necessarily mean that he would agree to confess to anything they wanted him to, does it?" Mr X said,

"And the fact that a guard was holding a gun to his head while he was writing the confession proves nothing," Mr X stressed.

In a related development, two suspected terrorists who were released after being imprisoned in Belmarsh Prison without trial for three years have been re-arrested by Dorset Police for attempted goat rape.

The arrest follows a revelation by the Independent newspaper that the British intelligence service had admitted that the two men who were suspected to have met in Dorset to elect a terrorist leader had actually been there to get away from their wives for the weekend. Intelligence services had been alerted to their presence by a Dorset farmer's suspicions about a group of Muslim men looking at his goats.

Mr X admitted that a three-year investigation had revealed the two men were indeed not terrorists at all but just ordinary husbands who were fed up of their wives and wanted to "some time away in the Dorset countryside with the boys."

Daisy and Myrtle are being detained for questioning by the Dorset Police anti-terrorism unit
"We concede our initial assessment may have been slightly flawed  However, we did put them behind bars for three bloody years. And they are Muslims - so they must be guilty of something," Mr X maintained. "So we have brought a number of the goats involved for further questioning and medical examination by a local veterinarian."

Two of the goats - Daisy and Myrtle - are known to be still at the Dorset Constabulary headquarters being interviewed by officers from the anti-terrorism unit. "We are also examining other lines of inquiry and have requested that a number of sheep and cows at the farm in question to not leave the country. We are also not discounting the possibility of poultry there being involved in some form of fowl play."

The farmer who reported the men to the police said that they had behaved suspiciously. "I don't take too kindly to strangers looking at my livestock. But I never suspected that they had been terrorists. Rural Dorset isn't exactly well-known as being a hotbed of terrorist activity."

None of the Britons who were released from Guantánamo Bay have to date been charged with any offence in the UK.  "However, this does not mean that we would abandon the practice of detention without trial," Mr X stressed. "After all, we have to preserve one of the basic principles of our democratic way of life and justice system - that everyone is guilty until proven innocent."

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. Click here to read the real story on the terrorist goats and WMDs in Currys.