The New Mesopotamia Times

US launches lunar probe in search for WMDs 

A joint project between NASA and the Iraq Survey Group, the US team searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, will soon be sending a lunar lander to the surface of the moon to search for those elusive WMDs.

According to ISG head David Kay, despite over US$800 million spent by the ISG so far, its nationwide search of Iraq has so far only recovered 50 dinars left behind Saddam Hussein's couch and a red sock Kay had left in a Baghdad laundrette three months after the US invasion. "Unfortunately, no nuclear, biological or chemical weapons were recovered , though we did find an 8-month old piece of stale goat cheese in the back of the refrigerator of a Basra camel dealer. We are also analysing a highly suspicious bottle of duck toilet cleaner left in a kebab store in Sammara."

However, Kay remains undeterred. "Who is to say Saddam didn't just dump it all in a rocket and blast them off to the moon? We have the evidence."

Pictures released by ISG revealed strange craters on the moon's surface, "probably the result of nuclear tests conducted by the Iraq military," Kay alleges. According to Kay, the lunar images were obtained from the Milwaukee High School Amateur Astronomy Society as the US military's high-definition satellite imagery equipment in its spy satellites were pointing the wrong way.
 
Kay added that intelligence reports from CIA informants have revealed that the moon "surprisingly" appears to be almost completely devoid of human inhabitants. "No doubt they had all been exterminated by Saddam's gruesome testing of his evil chemical and biological weapons."


Kay searches for WMDs on Saddam 
Hussein


Kay's sock - one of the big finds in the 
search for WMDs

"Conclusive evidence, however, came from the Iraqis themselves. They flatly denied having any weapons of mass destruction at all on the moon. That sure is proof to me that they have."

The lunar lander - dubbed 'Blixen' - will be manned by a team of the nation's best WMD detection experts, consisting of two neo-conservative Republican Senators, a FOX News newsreader, three Whie House spokesman, a senior Haliburton board member and the features editor of National Enquirer.

Blixen will begin its scientific voyage of discovery by first carpet-bombing the surface of the moon with Tomahawk missiles. On landing, it will establish a Washington-appointed Lunar Governing Council, seize all known oil assets, flatten any lunar towns opposed to the occupation and then start the search for WMDs.

NASA scientists were upbeat about the success of the mission. "We are confident that that finding WMDs on the moon will have an even 50-50 chance with finding life there," a NASA statement said.

A spokesman from the UN Monitoring, Verification, and Inspection Commission UNMOVIC said that "the mission is, using the technical term, dumb."

In the unlikely event that the lunar search proves unsuccessful, Congress has already approved a US$3 billion budget for a similar WMD inspection of the Klingon Empire.

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.