The New Mesopotamia Times

Westminster hit by new strain of Mad Cow Disease

London, UK . A devastating outbreak of Mad Cow disease has swept over the London district of Westminster, in particular the area around Downing Street and the Houses of Parliament. This new strain of the disease - known as Mad Kow-Tow Disease - has resulted in hundreds of victims collapsing and falling to their knees in servile, humiliating homage to US President George W Bush.

According to Dr H Shipman of the Royal Institute of Physicians, Mad Kow-Tow disease attacks the brain and destroys the regions of the cerebrum responsible for independent thought, self-respect and integrity.  "The disease has infected a wide range of Westminster residents - from some ordinary Members of Parliament right up to Cabinet Ministers and even the Prime Minister himself. Sufferers have found themselves incapable of making reasoned decisions and forming opinions, always responding to questions about their views on issues with 'errr what is the White House policy on that?' "


Blair denied any outbreak of Mad Kow-
Tow disease at a press conference outside Downing Street

Victims have also been reported to develop hearing and eyesight problems, experiencing episodes of temporary blindness to civilian war casualties, human rights violations, torture allegations, UN conventions and criticism from the international community. "You can have close to a million people protesting and shouting outside their windows against the Iraq war, and the poor devils won't see or hear anything," Dr Shipman lamented.

The disease then progresses by eating away at the body until the backbone crumbles and the testicles shrivel up and wither away. In the very worst cases, victims also exhibit an uncontrollable urge to fall on their kness and apply their tongues to the anuses of any passing US Presidents.

"The sufferer is ultimately reduced to a useless, impotent, quivering lump of jelly who is constantly muttering "Shoulder-to-shoulder .. war on terror . special relationship . coalition of the willing .." Shipman said. 

British Members of Parliament debating the Iraq War last Febrauary
"That is how the disease gets its name," Shipman explained. "Victims are ultimately reduced to behaving like cowed idiots."

Shipman suspects that the source of the Mad Kow-Tow virus may be livestock feed that was tainted by sewage from government dossiers and CIA intelligence reports on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

Due to humanitarian reasons, Shipman ruled out a mass cull of all Mad Kow disease victims. "However, we cannot discount such an event happening as a result of the next General Elections."

There are unconfirmed reports that the disease is also widespread in other parts of the world, such as governments of the United States and Australia. An outbreak in Spain was stopped in April 2004 when Spanish voters kicked President Jose Maria Aznar out of office.

The outbreak follows an earlier outbreak of Foot-In-Mouth disease in the UK when, for many weeks, the British Prime Minister was caught with his foot in his mouth making the most ridiculous statements about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

MAD KOW-TOW DISEASE: THE FACTS

What are the warning symptoms of the disease?  How is the disease spread?  What precautions do you need to take?
Chronic verbal DIARROHEA; VOMITING out the most inane, unbelievable statements about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq; 

SORE THROAT from raving and ranting all day about the War on Terror and WMDs in Iraq; 

SHIFTY EYES watching to see if people listening know the sufferer is lying through his teeth; 

PROFOUND LOSS OF HEARING to any dissenting or independent views or criticism about the war in Iraq; 

SUDDEN LOSS OF VOCAL ABILITY when confronted by questions about civilian casualties in Iraq or torture allegations in Guantanamo Bay; 

INFLAMMATION of the head due to their feeling of self-importance at being George W's best buddy; 

IRREPAIRABLE BRAIN DAMAGE, ADMITS to liking George W Bush.

DIRECT CONTACT with the British Prime Minister or his Cabinet Ministers; the US president or any White House official

PROLONGED EXPOSURE to CIA intelligence reports, British government dossiers on Iraq, US Presidential speeches and Fox News; 

INHALING THE ATMOSPHERE of fear spread by victims.

COVER YOUR EYES AND EARS at any time you see a government politician talking about Iraq on television or in the local newspapers; 

AVOID PUBLIC PLACES such as No. 10 Downing Street, the Houses of Parliament and the White House; 

NOURISH your mind with alternative news, independent viewpoints and healthy debate; 

DON'T vote Labour in the next General Elections.

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain.