The New Mesopotamia Times

A Brief (But Helpful) Guide to Bush's Inaugural  Speech

Washington ….. People around the world hearing the inauguration speech of President George W Bush may have been inspired by his vows to spread democracy, fight tyranny, slay dragons and bring peace and harmony to all corners of the known Universe. However, you may have also been mystified by such high-minded ideals and grandeur of purpose - after all, not all of us are as clever as he is. 


For example, you may be wondering why, with all this talk about spreading democracy and ending tyranny worldwide, he did not once mention the dreaded "I" word (as in that country in the Middle East he recently invaded). And face it - GW is not exactly the most articulate and silver-tongued of men.  Remember " fool me once, shame on -- shame on you …. fool me -- you can't get fooled again…" ?

'The 'New Mesopotamia Times' has therefore, at no small expense, gathered all the sharpest minds and best brains in the political world, locked them up in a small cell in Guantanamo Bay for a couple of hours, made them analyse and decipher the text and produce this brief (but helpful) guide to the President's inaugural speech. We present below excerpts from the President's speech, accompanied by a running translation of what he actually meant quietly nestled reading between those lines.



Bush at his coronation, oops, I mean, inauguration ceremony


"There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment and expose the pretensions of tyrants and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant. And that is the force of human freedom."
[Translation: There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment and expose the pretensions of tyrants and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant. And that is the force of 150,000 troops, 2,400 tanks, 500 warplanes and half a million tons of high-explosive firepower kicking their sorry little asses.]

"The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world."
[Translation: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of our bombing in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of America's thousand-year reich in all the world. Today, Iraq, tomorrow ze vorld! Seig heil!]

"...every man and woman on this Earth has rights, and dignity ..." 
"From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this Earth has rights, and dignity and matchless value."
[Translation: From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this Earth has rights, and dignity. Unless of course, you're some dirty little sand-nigger who we can lock up without trial and make crawl around naked on a leash]

"So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world."
[Translation: So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the invasion and utter conquest of every nation and culture we don't particularly like, with the ultimate goal of stealing their oil or anything else of value we can get out of the sorry losers]

"This is not primarily the task of arms…"
[Translation: This is not primarily the task of arms, We'll also need legs, and bodies, and lots and lots of soldiers, guns, bombs, tanks and warplanes.]

"America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling."
[Translation: America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling. But after we've bombed you into submission, terrorised your civilians and tortured you into humiliation, I can betcha you won't be unwilling for very long.]

"We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation - the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. We will encourage reform in other governments by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people."
[Translation: We will encourage reform in other governments by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people. Unless, of course, you're one of our allies and good buddies, like Pakistan or Saudi Arabia, in which case you can torture opponents, ban elections, outlaw political parties, jail dissidents, oppress women and jolly well do anything you like.]
 
"America’s belief in human dignity will guide our policies."
[Translation: America’s belief in human dignity will guide our policies - as we clearly demonstrated at Abu Ghraib by piling people up into human pyramids of naked bodies and making them perform sodomy or oral sex for the cameras]

"We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. Liberty will come to those who love it."
[Translation: We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery - unless you're indefinitely detained without trial in Guantanamo Bay. And Liberty ain't coming to you anytime soon, sunshine]

"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you."
[Translation: "All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors - except if you live in Pakistan. There we will stand with your military dictator."]


"America’s belief in human dignity will guide our policies"

"And all the allies of the United States can know: We honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help."
[Translation: And all the allies of the United States can know: We honor your friendship - though we'd much prefer your servile submission. We rely on your counsel - and if we don't like it, you can go f**k yourselves and we'll do what we please, anyway]

"Because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom."
[Translation: Because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions in Viet Nam have been invaded, bombed, terrorised, maimed or killed.]

"By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well — a fire in the minds of men. It warms those who feel its power, it burns those who fight its progress, and one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world."
[Translation: By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well —  in fact, parts of Falluja today are still burning quite merrily.]

"America proclaims liberty throughout all the world and to all the inhabitants thereof. Renewed in our strength … we are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of freedom."
[Translation:  Iran and Syria - here we come!]
 

For a printable version of this article in Adobe Acrobat PDF format, CLICK HERE


A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the full text of the speech, click here.