The New Mesopotamia Times

Bush honours Iraq war heroes

Washington DC . US President George W Bush has given America's highest civilian award to three men instrumental to America's 'mission accomplished' in Iraq and the War on Terror. In a nationally-televised ceremony, former CIA director George Tenet, General Tommy Franks and Paul Bremer were this week given the Presidential Medal of Freedom at the White House.

Tenet was the head of the Central Intelligence Agency during the September 11th attacks and subsequent wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. President Bush said that Mr Tenet's award is in recognition for the CIA's successfully not knowing anything of the impending attack on the World Trade Centre, as well as the vital role the CIA played in successfully detecting the large numbers of imaginary weapons of mass destruction in Iraq which, subsequently, were successfully not found.  "These few brave acts alone whipped up such a frenzy of fear, uncertainty and paranoia among Americans that it made sending the country to war a picnic,"
Tenet, Franks and Bremer applaud each other's screw-ups
 "His claims of a link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda also showed that he had the courage to never let the truth get in the way of a good excuse to go to war," Bush added.

"The CIA's success is not being able to find Osama bin Laden is also testimony to his skilled leadership and dogged determination," Bush added. "Mr Tenet, America and the world thanks you."

The search continues: An Iraqi is inspected 
for WMDs
General Franks, on the other hand, was the architect behind the invasion of Iraq, drawing up the detailed plans for its highly successful invasion. "His bold plan called for far fewer troops being used than were deployed in the Gulf War of 1991. The wisdom and spectacular success of this plan is clearly demonstrated today by the utter lawlessness and shambolic security situation in Iraq today."

"Franks' invasion of Iraq was the longest, fastest armored advance in the history of American warfare," Bush said. "And he's probably left us with the longest, messiest, bloodiest occupation in the history of American warfare as well."

"Tom is a true liberator who delivered Iraq from the torture prisons of Saddam Hussein's tyranny and replaced them with torture prisons of good ol' Yankee tyranny," Bush added, wiping tears of pride from his face.

Bush praised  Franks for his use of surgical, precision bombing air strikes. "Just look at Baghdad, it looks like an A-bomb hit it three times over - but there's not a scratch on the Oil Ministry building."

Franks was also praised for ensuring that civilian casualties were limited to "a very, very small number which we don't even know and can't tell you how many."

Paul Bremer was the US-appointed civilian administrator in Iraq, leading the US-appointed Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) before it handed power over to the US-appointed Iraqi Governing Council. Bush said that Bremer will be remembered for his superb work in laying the foundations of democracy in Iraq. 
"Newspapers critical of the CPA were closed. Political groups opposed to the occupation were hounded and outlawed. Iraqi families were terrorised weekly by having their homes ransacked and searched. Ordinary citizens were picked up off from the streets, detained without trial, sexually humiliated and tortured.  In short, thanks to Paul, freedom and democracy is today alive and well in Iraq."

Bremer was also hailed for beginning the successful reconstruction of Iraq. "Under him, four-fifths of the country does not have a clean water supply, three-quarters is without electricity supply, half the schools are either destroyed or closed, all hospitals are out of medical supplies, you're up to your ankles in sewage in the streets - but, hell, he kept the oil wells flowing."

Bush: "Symbols of the good influence of America on the world."
Bush concluded that these "these three men symbolize the good influence of America on the world. Whenever people laugh at yet another joke about missing WMDs, or hear about yet another Iraqi town we've flattened or see a naked man on a leash in a prison, they will think of the great ol' US of A."

In a related development, the Chairman of the Nobel Prize Committee Dr Olaf Heyerdall today announced the winners of this year's awards. 

Blair's best-seller grabbed this year's
Nobel Prize for Fiction
The Nobel Prize For Literature (Fiction) was awarded to the British Prime Minister Tony Blair for his dossier 'Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction'. "The book is reminescent of Dante's Inferno, terrifying its reader with its surreal flights of fantasy and detailed exploration of the realms of its imaginary, nightmarish world," said Dr Heyerdall. "Mr Blair's fictional prose is truly breath-taking in its depth of creativity and sheer imagination."

The Nobel Prize for Medicine went to Brig.Gen. Janis Karpinskii commander-in-chief of the Abu Ghraib Prison. "The US military probed and studied the human anatomy and behavioural psychology there using techniques and methods which no decent medical researcher would even contemplate with laboratory rats, " said Dr Heyerdall. 

Three members of the Prize Committee had to be sedated and hospitalised when they were tragically struck by uncontrollable fits of epileptic laughter upon receiving a nomination by Harald T. Nesvik, a Right-wing Norwegian Member of Parliament, proposing Bush and Blair for the Nobel Peace Prize for their "decisive action against terrorism.". 

The Nobel Peace Prize was subsequently awarded to Frank Weissman, the owner of the Weissman and Sons Bakery which manufactured the pretzel which Bush choked on in January 2002.

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.