The New Mesopotamia Times

Bush abandons hunt for Bin Laden, launches hunt for security chief
Washington DC ….. During a week of mysterious disappearances that have bewildered White House officials, President George W Bush today announced that he is abandoning the hunt for Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden and is instead launching a nationwide hunt for the Secretary of Homeland Security.

Following the resignation of the former Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge two weeks ago, Bush appointed former New York City police chief Bernard Kerik as his replacement. However, White House staffers were thrown into disarray yesterday when Mr Bush was seen wandering the White House for hours looking behind sofas, under beds and inside cupboards, calling out "Bernie … Bernie … where the hell are ya? Dang, I saw him in the building just a minute ago …." 

Kerik (left): "Do you see 'Stupid Loser' written on my forehead?"

It later emerged that Kerik was not missing but had declined the offer of the post. White House spokesmen indicated that Kerik cited tax and immigration queries about his employment of a nanny as his reason for withdrawing. However, Kerik was later quoted off-the-record as saying that he did not want to be known as "yet another White House jackass who can't find Osama bin Laden."

Kerik added that Bush today tried to persuade him to reconsider accepting the job. "Dubya said to me 'Look Bernie, finding a tall, skinny guy with a turban and long beard in Afghanistan, how difficult can that be?'.  I was frank and respectfully told him "Look, fella, do you see 'Stupid Loser' written on my forehead?' "

Officials said that White House was moving forward to find a new nominee for the post as quickly as possible. "We are confident that it will only be a matter of days before we find another sucker… errrr, I mean, candidate."

Photographic evidence of the link between aliens and Osama bin Laden

In a related development, a CIA spokesman announced that the White House is calling off the search for Osama bin Laden following the publication of a CIA report that has shed new light into the al Qaeda leader's whereabouts.

"We have tens of thousands of troops searching every inch of Afghanistan and Pakistan. We have dozens of advanced billion-dollar spy satellites scanning the globe for him. We have a multi-million dollar bounty on his head, dead or alive. But why haven't we found him yet?" asked the report's author, CIA analyst Fox Mouldy.


"There can only be one explanation," he concluded. "He has been abducted by aliens." 

As further evidence of alien involvement in Bin Laden's disappearance, Mouldy cited a flurry of other strange and unexplained disappearances that occurred just recently. This included the announcement today by the UN International Advisory and Monitoring Board that millions, perhaps billions, of dollars worth of Iraq's oil "had gone missing" since the US occupation. "The UN thinks it may have been due to mismanagement of non-competitive contracts give out to US firms such as Haliburton. We think it's E.T."
Mouldy also cited the revelation by the UN International Atomic Energy Agency that more than 350 tons of high explosives had "vanished" from the Al Qaqaa military complex in Iraq last April. 

Military commanders on the field agree that aliens could well have been responsible for the disappearance of the explosives. "I mean, why the hell else would anyone be remotely interested in stealing 350 bloody tons of high explosives?" asked Colonel Biff Parker of the 82nd Airborne Division, as a heavy barrage of mortar rounds from insurgent positions exploded around his base camp in Falluja.

Mouldy said the dramatic disappearance of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction was the 'smoking gun' evidence that there indeed was an extra-terrestrial hand at play. "Before the war, we told the UN that Iraq had 550 artillery shells with mustard gas, stockpiles of a thousand tons of agents for chemical weapons, four tons of the deadly nerve agent VX, an active nuclear bomb programme. What do we find when we get there? Not even a can of bug spray."

Alien Mothership over Baghdad: Aliens are thought to be responsible for the disappearance of oil, explosives and WMDs from Iraq

Mouldy refuted claims from the international scientific community that the CIA's investigations and report into these alien disappearances was, in the technical jargon, 'full of shit.'.  "The only other logical explanation for these strange events is that the Bush Administration consists of a pack of stupid, incompetent, lying, corrupt jack-asses.  We are saying it was aliens from outer space."

"Which do you believe?" Mouldy asked, as he struggled in his strait-jacket and asked to be beamed back up to the Federation Starship Enterprise.

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. Also read the real-life stories of the missing Secretary of Homeland Security, the missing oil and the missing explosives..