Bush abandons hunt for
Bin Laden, launches hunt for security chief
|Washington DC ….. During a week of
mysterious disappearances that have bewildered White House officials, President
George W Bush today announced that he is abandoning the hunt for Al Qaeda
leader Osama Bin Laden and is instead launching a nationwide hunt for the
Secretary of Homeland Security.
Following the resignation of the former Homeland Security
chief Tom Ridge two weeks ago, Bush appointed former New York City police
chief Bernard Kerik as his replacement. However, White House staffers were
thrown into disarray yesterday when Mr Bush was seen wandering the White
House for hours looking behind sofas, under beds and inside cupboards,
calling out "Bernie … Bernie … where the hell are ya? Dang, I saw him in
the building just a minute ago …."
Kerik (left): "Do you see 'Stupid Loser' written on
It later emerged that Kerik was not missing but had declined
the offer of the post. White House spokesmen indicated that Kerik cited
tax and immigration queries about his employment of a nanny as his reason
for withdrawing. However, Kerik was later quoted off-the-record as saying
that he did not want to be known as "yet another White House jackass who
can't find Osama bin Laden."
Kerik added that Bush today tried to persuade him to reconsider
accepting the job. "Dubya said to me 'Look Bernie, finding a tall, skinny
guy with a turban and long beard in Afghanistan, how difficult can that
be?'. I was frank and respectfully told him "Look, fella, do you
see 'Stupid Loser' written on my forehead?' "
Officials said that White House was moving forward to
find a new nominee for the post as quickly as possible. "We are confident
that it will only be a matter of days before we find another sucker… errrr,
I mean, candidate."
"There can only be one explanation," he concluded. "He has
been abducted by aliens."
Photographic evidence of the link between aliens
and Osama bin Laden
In a related development, a CIA spokesman announced that
the White House is calling off the search for Osama bin Laden following
the publication of a CIA report that has shed new light into the al Qaeda
"We have tens of thousands of troops searching every inch
of Afghanistan and Pakistan. We have dozens of advanced billion-dollar
spy satellites scanning the globe for him. We have a multi-million dollar
bounty on his head, dead or alive. But why haven't we found him yet?" asked
the report's author, CIA analyst Fox Mouldy.
As further evidence of alien involvement in Bin Laden's
disappearance, Mouldy cited a flurry of other strange and unexplained disappearances
that occurred just recently. This included the announcement today by the
UN International Advisory and Monitoring Board that millions, perhaps billions,
of dollars worth of Iraq's oil "had gone missing" since the US occupation.
"The UN thinks it may have been due to mismanagement of non-competitive
contracts give out to US firms such as Haliburton. We think it's E.T."
|Mouldy also cited the revelation by the UN International
Atomic Energy Agency that more than 350 tons of high explosives had "vanished"
from the Al Qaqaa military complex in Iraq last April.
Military commanders on the field agree that aliens could
well have been responsible for the disappearance of the explosives. "I
mean, why the hell else would anyone be remotely interested in stealing
350 bloody tons of high explosives?" asked Colonel Biff Parker of the 82nd
Airborne Division, as a heavy barrage of mortar rounds from insurgent positions
exploded around his base camp in Falluja.
Mouldy said the dramatic disappearance of Saddam's weapons
of mass destruction was the 'smoking gun' evidence that there indeed was
an extra-terrestrial hand at play. "Before the war, we told the UN that
Iraq had 550 artillery shells with mustard gas, stockpiles of a thousand
tons of agents for chemical weapons, four tons of the deadly nerve agent
VX, an active nuclear bomb programme. What do we find when we get there?
Not even a can of bug spray."
Alien Mothership over Baghdad: Aliens are thought
to be responsible for the disappearance of oil, explosives and WMDs from
refuted claims from the international scientific community that the CIA's
investigations and report into these alien disappearances was, in the technical
jargon, 'full of shit.'. "The only other logical explanation for
these strange events is that the Bush Administration consists of a pack
of stupid, incompetent, lying, corrupt jack-asses. We are saying
it was aliens from outer space."
"Which do you believe?" Mouldy asked, as he struggled
in his strait-jacket and asked to be beamed back up to the Federation Starship
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