The New Mesopotamia Times

CIA uncovers worldwide network of over a billion "suspected Muslims"

The CIA today shocked America with the public release of an intelligence report which has discovered that there may actually be over 1.2 billion people worldwide who are suspected to be "knowingly and openly Muslim". 

According to CIA spokesman Charles Spooke, the CIA had suspected early on that al Qaeda and the Taliban were practising this shadowy ideology. "However, further intelligence work in the form of spy satellite and radio communications surveillance revealed that, to our amazement, there may indeed be many, many more individuals who publicly admit to being Muslim."

Spooke revealed, as a result of an US$ 8 billion undercover operation, Muslims had been observed and photographed by CIA operatives regularly meeting in places referred to the CIA report as 'mosques'. "They are reportedly under the leadership of a mysterious individual known cryptically as The Prophet. We are conducting further investigations to see if we can find any evidence that this so-called Prophet has  links with Osama bin Laden."


The Blue Mosque in Istanbul: Muslims have been spotted by CIA operatives entering such buildings

"Amazingly, this little-known network does not appear to be making a great deal of effort to hide its operations and has done little to disguise its activities. They brazenly gather in the open, walk around in public uninhibited like regular people, they eat in restaurants, they shop, they go to work and seem to do all the normal stuff you and I do. They are masters of disguise," Spooke said.

More worryingly, even countries which are staunch allies of the US, such as Saudi Arabia, already appear to have been infiltrated by unknown numbers of these Muslims. "You walk into any street in Riyadh, Medina or Mecca, and you will invariably bump into one of them. We will be offering the Saudi government a US$8 billion military aid package to assist them in apprehending any suspected members belonging to this group."

Muslims openly walking in a Cairo street market

"We may find Muslims in other countries assisting the US in its War On Terror, such as Turkey, Jordan, Malaysia and others," Spooke warned. "If that is the case, we will need to urgently inform the governments of these countries immediately and warn them that they may be unknowingly harbuoring Muslims. We will offer them any intelligence support necessary to ensure their citizens are vigilant against this emerging security threat."

"They look and dress like the ordinary citizens of these countries, they even speak the same language, so it will be a challenge for our operatives to distinguish these Muslims from the ordinary citizens of, say, Egypt."

"However, this chilling  revelation does indicate that the CIA has its ear to the ground and the latest information on all groups that threaten the security of our great nation," Spooke said. "We hope this report completely demolishes the myth created b the pinko-liberal media that we don't know what we are doing and are clueless about anything that happens outside of Washington DC."

In addition to gathering more intelligence on these Muslims, Spooke added that the CIA is also investigating claims of the emergence of another group, calling themselves Moslems. "We do not have any information yet if there is indeed any link between Muslims and Moslems."

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain.