Bush declares 'Mission
Accomplished': Bin Laden still not caught
Following the admission this week by Pakistan Prime Minister
Pervez Musharraf that troops searching for Osama Bin Laden along
the border with Afghanistan have no idea where he is and that the trail
has 'gone stone cold' , President George W Bush today declared mission
accomplished, saying that while bin Laden remained at large "Americans
can relax knowing that we have every excuse to do whatever the hell we
like in the world."
"As long as bin Laden is alive and well, we can invade
countries, bomb civilians, arrest and detain without trial, emasculate
the press, flush human rights down the toilet," said Pentagon spokesman
Ollie South. "And the minute anyone complains, all we have to say is 'Boooo!
War on terror
. Booo! Bin Laden
.' and everybody pisses in their pants
and shuts the fuck up."
"I'd call that Mission Accomplished, wouldn't you?" South
"In the aftermath of the September 11th terrorist attack,
President Bush declared that there was "no hiding place" for the al-Qaeda
leader who was "wanted, dead or alive". "We're going to hunt them down
and kill them," Bush said of the al Qaeda leadership. However, White
House officials have more recently sought to play down Bin Laden's significance
in the wider War on Terror. When asked about developments in the search
for Osama bin laden, a White House aide said "Osama who? Errr, excuse me,
I have to take a call from Baghdad
"Did we really say hunt them down?" said another aide.
"Surely we meant hunt them down after we invade Iraq
. and Iran
Another Pentagon official denied that the efforts to apprehend
bin Laden were unsuccessful. "We have a dozen spy satellites orbitting
the planet tracking his every move - in fact, we're using the very same
spy satellites that found all those Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq
||Ali Kapala Bhutto, a spokesman for Musharraf, a key ally
in the War on Terror, said that recent intelligence proved that bin Laden
leader was indeed alive and well. "We know he recently visited the Quetta
Library and took out their only copy of 'Improvised Explosive Devices For
Dummies' - and its already three weeks overdue. He also has a suit and
some pants still waiting for collection at the Al-Dhoby Drycleaners in
Peshawar. We also have a few traffic citations for a camel registered to
his deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri being double parked in various parts of Baluchistan.
But aside from that, there are no active leads on the whereabouts of the
al-Qaeda leader and we don't know where he is."
But Bhutto said the US shared responsibility for the failure
to find bin Laden. Thousands of Pakistani troops have been deployed in
the border areas but he stressed that the US-led coalition does not have
sufficient troops on the other side of the border in Afghanistan. "This
has left voids," he stressed, "And how do you solve the problem? By sending
150,000 troops 7,000 miles away to Iraq! Brilliant. Marvellous. And they
call us stupid."
In the US itself, the search for bin Laden received a
much needed boost when the Dairy Association of America distributed over
25 million cartons of goat milk with photographs of the missing bin Laden.
"We are also offering a handsome reward for information leading to the
safe return of little Osama," a spokesman said.
"We also hope that seeing the photographs will help jog
the memories of Americans .... especially Administration officials, who
may be reminded of the fact that he is actually in Afghanistan or Pakistan
and not Iraq."
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