The New Mesopotamia Times

Abu Ghraib torture victims only wanted to become cheerleaders

Washington . . . . Iraqi detainees at Abu Ghraib prison who were stripped naked and stacked in human pyramids on top of each other only wanted to be performing cheerleaders. This revelation follows today's statement by the defence attorney for a guard accused of the abuse that "cheerleaders from all over America make pyramids every day - is that torture?". He compared pictures of naked Iraqi prisoners in a human pyramid to cheerleaders at US sports events, who form pyramids "all over America".

The accused, Specialist Charles Garner, said that he had not abused the detainees but had only wished to fulfill their lifelong wish to be football cheerleaders. "It is the dream of all Iraqis to dress up in short skirts, shake pom-poms, practice high-kicks and be American football cheerleaders. All we wanted to do was to make their wishes come true."

"Unfortunately, we couldn't find any cheerleader uniforms or poms-poms for them to wear - which is why they're all naked," Garner explained.

Garner expressed disappointment that his very genuine attempt at introducing American culture and sports to the Iraqi people had been construed by some irresponsible parties to be acts of abuse and torture.

When asked why prisoners were stripped naked and made to crawl on the floor on a leash, Garner's defence attorney said tethers were "a valid tool" when dealing not only with prisoners, but also with children. "You've probably been at a mall or airport and seen children on tethers; they're not being abused," he argued. "In Texas we'd lasso them and drag them out of there."

Garner said he himself kept his own three children - aged between six and nine - tied up in a leash all day, in a kennel he'd specially built for them and his pet terrier in his backyard garden. "You don't see my kids whining that they're being tortured," said Garner, who also faces four separate counts of child abuse and animal cruelty.

Oak Harbor High School Wildcats (above) demonstrating the pyramid that inspired Abu Ghraib (below)
His testimony comes days after complaints by the FBI that interrogations they had observed at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay were extreme and involved serious physical abuses such as male rape, strangulation, beatings and the placing of lit cigarettes into detainees ears. According to FBI agent Fox Mulder, one case, a detainee was wrapped in an Israeli flag and bombarded with loud music in an attempt to soften his resistance to interrogation.

"Worst of all, the music they played was by Ozzy Osborne. Can you imagine a more painful, humiliating form of torture?"

Mulder described such practices as "non-FBI policy treatment."

In a related development, the soon-to-be appointed US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales clarified his earlier statements that interrogation practices only amounted to torture if it involved "physical pain equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death."

"Torture is therefore legally defined as practices involving excruciating and agonising pain," Gonzales stressed. "Mind-numbing pain is not torture. Severe chronic pain is not torture. Sharp stabbing pain is not torture"

"Under the Justice Department's definition of torture, high-voltage electrocution may therefore amount to torture, but not, say, inserting objects into anal orifices or making them crawl around on a leash or piling naked people into human pyramids," Gonzales explained.

"That's just our boys in Iraq having a good time," he added. 

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. f you think I was making up some of the quotes from Garner above, take a look at his  real testimony.