Pentagon admits: Rumsfeld
is a machine
"We had already produced a talking head by the time of the
invasion of Iraq in February 2003," South revealed. "The talking head chaired
numerous Presidential War Briefings, made executive decisions on the prosecution
of the war and even gave quite a few press conferences for the Washington
media - and no one seemed to have noticed the missing body."
|Washington DC ….Following the admission
yesterday by the Pentagon that a machine was used to sign letters of condolence
from US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to relatives of more than 1,000
US troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, the United States was today rocked
by a further revelation that Rumsfeld himself is not a human being at all
but a machine.
"Yes, the letters were signed by a machine - and that
machine was Mr Rumsfeld himself," said Pentagon spokesman Ollie South.
"He is indeed a cold, lifeless, unfeeling and completely artificial robot."
Rumsfeld had been known in Pentagon circles by his codename
'Mr Data'. "His body was constructed using the latest robotics technology
from left-over scraps from Hollywood sets for C3P0 and R2D2 in the Star
Wars movies and the electronic 'brain' was programmed from code developed
for video computer wargames." South said.
The only point at which the robot Rumsfeld was known to
have malfunctioned was during the famous Department of Defense press briefing
when he told reporters that "we know, there are known knowns; there are
things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is
to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also
unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know."
"For obvious reasons, the human Mr Rumsfeld is not particularly
keen to show himself in public now since our recent 'disagreement' with
Mr Hussein," South explained.
The human Rumsfeld greets Saddam Hussein in 1984
|"We believe that the robot's
speech program algorithm circuits may have been a little fried by an external
electronic source at that time," South explained. "We later learned that
the President was in the next room at that exact time, microwaving a plate
When asked if there had ever been a real, human Donald Rumsfeld, South
indicated that the last public appearance of the human Donald Rumsfeld
had been in March 24, 1984, when he was a Special Envoy of the Reagan Administration
and had paid a visit to Saddam Hussein to congratulate him on Iraq's successful
use of chemical weapons in its war with Iran.
South said that the Pentagon were in the process of producing
other robots in addition to Mr Rumsfeld. "At current production rates,
we can have models ready to replace President Bush's full Cabinet line-up
by the end of this year," he revealed.
When asked if there would be any policy concerns about
replacing all of Bush's Cabinet with robots, South said: "Haven't you been
reading the news about Iraq lately? Could anyone or anything else possibly
do a worst job?"
|South also talked of the possibility of
mass-marketing do-it-yourself kits for sale to the private sector. "Just
put a few screws, nuts and bolts together and - hey, presto! - you have
your very own Secretary of Defense or Secretary of State ready to do your
every bidding," South said. "We have already received advance orders from
Haliburton and various oil companies."
The Pentagon has also been working on developing a robot
replacement for President George W Bush as well. However, South revealed
that this particular model has been fraught with design problems. "The
main challenge in replicating a completely identical Mr Bush has been in
the design of the artificial brain," South revealed. "Even when we used
the microchip from a common household washing machine, the resulting robot
proved more intelligent than the real George Bush and fooled no one."
In a related development, the British government today
revealed a similar research program in Britain - this time using advanced
DNA technology to genetically-engineer clones of Prime Minister Tony Blair's
cabinet. "We have already analysed DNA samples from all his Cabinet Ministers
and have found a close DNA match with tissue samples taken from domesticated
sheep," a Downing Street spokesman revealed.
The common household washing machine proved more
intelligent than George W Bush
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||A dispatch by our Embedded
Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain.
For the real story on the Rumsfeld machine, click
here. To read about the real Rumsfeld's courtesy visit to Saddam
Husssein, click here.