The New Mesopotamia Times

US mounts massive rescue operation after tsunami disaster
Washington DC ….. In the wake of the Asian tsunami disaster, the United States this week deployed aircraft carriers, transport planes, helicopters, medical teams, food supplies and pledged hundreds of millions of dollars of humanitarian aid in an unprecedented rescue operation aimed at rescuing America's tattered credibility and appalling international image worldwide.

"The utter devastation is unlike anything we have seen before," said US Secretary of State Colin Powell. "We have lost all respect and credibility from the international community. Our President is an international joke. No one believes anything we say after all that bullshit we spouted about WMDs. Everyone thinks we're sadistic psychopaths after Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib. People call us bloodthirsty murderers after we blitzed Falluja. We hope this rescue operation will help rescue what little international esteem we still have."

"We don't want people to remember us as arrogant bullies," Powell added. "We want them to remember us as compassionate, caring arrogant bullies."

Just days after the tsunami hit, the Bush administration pledged US$35 million in aid to the stricken victims - almost as much as the US$38 million budgeted for President Bush's inauguration ceremony celebrations on January 20th.  "Unlike the Presidential event, however, the aid package didn't include any allocations for caviar, pate de fois grois or truffles," Powell clarified.

US helicopters on the way to deliver food  aid to Acheh

US helicopters on the way to deliver bombs to Falluja

This pledge was later increased to a hefty US$350 million. "Sure, this is about the same amount we spend in Iraq every 36 hours," Powell said. "But, heck, we always have money for killing people, anyway."

The massive rescue effort - called Operation Enduring Nice Guy - would involve two naval battle groups, C-17 supply aircraft, 45 helicopters, over 13,000 military personnel, millions of dollars of supplies and billions of dollars worth of constant, unremitting TV airtime, newspaper coverage, photo ops and media conferences.  More than 500 tons of food and medical supplies have been delivered to Indonesia, while 50 million column inches of newspaper articles and 4 million  hours of cable news airtime on President Bush's aid package speech have been  delivered to homes throughout the rest of the world.

Powell reiterated Washington's commitment to help in reconstruction efforts in the tsunami hit areas. "We just hope we have better luck than we did in our two years trying to reconstruct Iraq."

US Marines will also assist in evacuating civilians from wave-struck and disease-infested towns and cities. "Falluja has shown that if there's one thing we're darn good at, it's getting hundreds of thousands of civilians out of their towns and cities pretty quickly," Powell said with a wink.

Blair and Bush: Observed three days' silence
Powell also hoped that US efforts in Indonesia would help convince Muslims worldwide that the Bush Administration is not an enemy of Islam. "Our humanitarian efforts are now helping ease the suffering of  thousands of Muslim men, women and children in Acheh - so we hope you guys just quietly forget that we bombed thousands of Muslim men, women and children in Iraq."

Powell also urged ordinary Americans to contribute cash to humanitarian efforts as well and dig deep into their pockets to match the government's US$350 million commitment. "They're also going to have to dig deep into their pockets later this year when their taxes are going to have to pay for the additional US$80 billion we’re going to need for the war in Iraq."

Throughout the world, people paid their respects to the victims of the disaster by observing a minute's silence during New Year celebrations. President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain topped this by observing a full three days' silence and not saying anything public about the disaster until after they returned from their well-earned Christmas holidays.

In a related development, a full-scale war with Japan was narrowly averted when it was explained to President Bush that the tsunami terror was not caused by a terrorist Japanese military dictator named Tsunami and there was no need to invade Japan again.

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.