The New Mesopotamia Times

UK stands shoulder-to- shoulder with US on torture

London . The Blair Government today demonstrated its strong support for US military operations in Iraq with the publication of its own prisoner torture and abuse photographs, rivalling those from the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. "I think today we have demonstrated that we indeed are truly shoulder-to-shoulder with our gallant allies the Americans," said a Downing Street spokesman Anthony Bliar. "It fills us with great pride to see British troops just as capable of committing sick, brutal, psychopathic acts of cruelty and perversion as their American comrades."

Three soldiers were today charged with abusing Iraqi prisoners at a Basra aid camp in May last year. The soldiers are accused of punching and kicking prisoners, forcing detainees to undress and perform anal and oral sexual acts, and lifting a bound and gagged detainee with a forklift.  

"We are indeed proud that our boys were the first to use heavy machinery while torturing and abusing prisoners - not even the Americans, with all their advanced hardware and technology, could top that," Bliar said, wiping a tear of pride from his eye."

"We were just fed up playing second fiddle to the Yanks all the time," said one of the accused who had already pleaded guilty.  "They had more men, more tanks, faster planes, shinier equipment, bigger guns, bigger everything. They were always in the big battles grabbing all the limelight and headlines. But we showed them that a British soldier can stand on a handcuffed Iraqi's head as well as any of them."

Accused: "We can stand on a handcuffed Iraqi's head as well as any American"

However, a Pentagon spokesman scoffed at the British claims. "The Department of Defense would like to remind the international community that it was the US Army who were the first to introduce anal and oral sex into interrogation procedures, not only in Iraq but in Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay as well. We regret that the British armed forces now claims they are as good at torture and abuse as we are. As a valued partner in the Coalition of the Willing, we hope that the British government refrains from making such unfounded comparisons, in the true spirit of cooperation, collaboration and complete subservience to us."

When asked to clarify that statement, he said "Basically, the Pentagon's policy position on this important issue is - we're meaner SOBs than you, Limeys, and doncha forget it!"

Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein released a statement from his prison cell in Baghdad congratulating both the British and the Americans for "carrying on my good work". "With all your talk about democracy and freedom, you guys had me fooled for a minute there. But I'm glad to see it's back to business as usual."

Saddam: Congratulated the US and UK on a good job terrorising the Iraqi people
"While you haven't quite matched the scale of my own torture prisons, it's a good start," Saddam added.

Saddam especially commended the British forklift technique. "I' did once try suspending detainees from the ceiling with meat hooks, or hanging then upside down by their feet, but I never would have thought of using a forklift. I'd really love to have a chat with the genius who designed this," he said excitedly. "The ingenuity of the infidels has inspired some new ideas that I'm just dying to try out, should I have the opportunity one day." 

Meanwhile, Downing Street hopes that today's allegations of torture and abuse would not upset Iraqis in the run-up to elections on January 30th. "We wish to remind the Iraqi people that British and US troops are in Iraq to free them from Saddam's torture, abuse and injustice. I'm sure many will agree that our own form of torture, abuse and injustice is, by far, more civilized," Bliar said.

"We also hope that these events do not dissuade Iraqis from voting in the coming elections," Bliar added. "And, if they don't vote the way we want them to vote, we know where we can get a lot more forklifts."

Bliar defended the Coalition's use of torture in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay as a vital part of its efforts to "stop evil.and evildoers". "The Coalition is confident that the thousands of innocent Iraqis  we've already tortured would thank us for putting an end to evil and evildoers and they are happy to do their bit for the War on Terror - whether it is being electrocuted in the genitals or just being smeared with excreta. And I'm sure they'd tell that to the world, too, if they weren't gagged and hooded and locked up where no one can talk to them."

In a related development, a US soldiers was found guilty of abusing prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison and was sentenced to ten years jail. Specialist Charles Garner had pleaded for leniency, saying he had only mistreated prisoners under orders. " I know a lot of it was wrong, a lot of it was inhumane and cruel. But I was ordered to do what I did. I did not enjoy it. Okay, maybe I enjoyed it just a little. Especially when it involved people's butts. Okay, heck, I enjoyed it a lot."

It is not known if Garner is expecting to be stripped, beaten, drugged and sexually abused as well during his ten-year jail sentence. 

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.