The New Mesopotamia Times

WMD claims may have been "a wee bit exaggerated" 
 
Over a year after the presentation by US Secretary of State Colleen Powell at the UN General Assembly justifying the case for invading Iraq, the State department today issues a new version of the presentation to reflect new information indicating that the threat presented earlier may have been, according to a State Department spokesman, "a teeny weeny bit exagerrated".

According to Anthony Bliar, Powell's presentation had included photographs obtained from high- definition satellite imagery, as well as conversations between Iraqi military personnel intercepted by high- bandwidth communications surveillance equipment. "That data was also supplemented by high- reliability intelligence from on-the-ground informants."

"However, we have recently discovered that our informants may not have been as on-the-ground as we initially thought. In fact, they both ran a small kebab shop in downtown Miami."

Analysis of the intercepted conversations may have also been less than accurate. One intercepted message had an Iraqi colonel saying 'we have this modified vehicle . ' .

"Initially our analysts said this referred to modifying battlefront vehicles to accommodate delivery systems for chemical weapons. We have now confirmed that the Colonel was talking about his '93 Honda Civic which his army mechanic had modified to include farting mufflers, giant spoiler-wing-thingies and neon light rims."

What the Americans thought was there .....



What ACTUALLY was there .....

Analysis of high-definition satellite imagery was also not as high-defintion as once thought. An image that was initially thought to be Al-Musayyib Rocket and Biological Weapons Test Facility was later discovered to be the Al-Musayyib Camel Dung Treatment Factory. "Objects identified as anthrax fermentation tanks were later observed by troops on the ground to be camel dung treatment tanks. "Sure, the stuff smelled mean, but I don't think it'd kill a lot of people if you put it in an intercontinental ballistic missile."

Structures thought to be missile and nuclear warhead storage areas turned out to be a kebab and burger stall for the staff. Aluminum tubes centrifuges thought to be used for enriching uranium were actually piping used in the men's latrines."And a long cylindrical object identified as a long-distance mustard gas delivery system rocket turned out to be a large, inflatable rubber penis Saddam Hussein displayed for laughs at orgies in the Presidential Palace."

Reaction to the revision of the original report was mixed. A White House spokesman said that the revisions "did not conclusively confirm that there are no WMDs - they only conclusively confirm that we have a pack of jack asses running our intelligence services."

Reaction from the former UN Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix was brief. "Nyah, nyah nyah, nyah, nyah . told you so told you so " he commented, as he stuck his tongue out, jumping and skipping merrily.

Bliar reiterated that the State Department regretted the many small errors in the initial analysis of the intelligence data. "We also apologize for any minor incovenience this may have caused folks in Iraq."

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A dispatch from our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here. If you want to see just what a load of rubbish Powell's actual presentation to the UN General Assembly really was, click here.