ISG calls off search for
WMDs, begins search for Elvis
Large deposits of uranium were also found throughout the
country. "However, these deposits were mostly depleted uranium shells
from our own tanks - mostly deposited in office buildings, mosques, schools
and homes," Duelfer explained.
Two years after the invasion of Iraq by the US and Britain,
intelligence officials have confirmed the US has officially stopped searching
for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq as of Christmas last year. With
the search for WMDs over, officials with the Iraq Survey Group (ISG) -
the body established to find the weapons - have returned to the US to embark
upon another mission critical to national US interests - the search for
Charles Duelfer, the CIA special adviser who led the investigation,
said that while no WMDs had been found, the ISG had uncovered huge amounts
of chemical and nuclear material in their two-year search of Iraq. "We
did find huge stockpiles of the chemical compound silicon dioxide - otherwise,
known as sand. Hell, there's a shitload of that stuff there, I can tell
Most of the WMDs found in Iraq did not appear to
Duelfer said ISG will be releasing a final report soon
of their main findings. "And the findings are that we could not find any
However, the ISG will not be completely abandoning its
search for WMDs. "We have heard rumours of huge stockpiles of nuclear missiles
concealed in large underground silos in the desert," Duelfer said. "A team
of investigators is now on the way to Nevada to investigate these claims."
White House officials had been very reluctant to call
off the hunt, holding out the possibility that the weapons still existed
and were well hidden inside Iraq. In his last visit to Iraq last December,
Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was spotted wandering the streets of
Baghdad for hours, looking under trash cans and behind sofa cushions, muttering
"Goddamit, they must be around here somewhere…."
Duelfer also revealed that the Bush Administration is also
evaluating other projects for the ISG to undertake, including the search
for Atlantis, the search for Ark of the Covenant and the search for super-intelligent
shape-shifting alien reptiles from another planet who control the world
and require periodic ingestion of human blood to maintain their human appearance.
The US is investigating sightings of Elvis in Iraq
|However, the US$800 million allocated
to the ISG will continue to be spent - this time on the search for Elvis.
"Polls in the US show that 11% of the population - that nearly 16 million
American adults - still believe Elvis is alive The Bush Administration
has tasked us with the duty of finding The King of Rock and Roll," Duelfer
"A man fitting the description of Elvis Presley was seen
Saturday afternoon buying a doughnut in a Kenosha delicatessen," Duelfer
explained. "Witnesses described an older gentleman with white coiffured
hair and a large beer belly, wearing a white caped jumpsuit with sequins
and blue suede shoes. Unfortunately, when our investigators arrived at
the scene, we were told that Elvis had left the building. We are sending
inspection teams to other parts of Wisconsin to verify if the sighting
is indeed that of The King."
"We are also not discounting the possibility that Elvis
is hiding in Iraq, together with WMDs - why do you think we haven't been
able to find him either?" Duelfer explained with a wink. "We are exploring
sightings of an Elvis lookalike in Sammara who attempted to disguise himself
by sporting a Saddam moustache."
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has committed two battalions
of the Royal Highland Regiment to support the US search for Elvis
and the British intelligence services are compiling a dodgy dossier on
the possible whereabouts of The Pelvis.
When asked if the search for Elvis and the other projects
envisaged were just unfounded and outlandish flights of fantasy with absolutely
no credible basis of fact or evidence, Duelfer replied "And Iraq's WMDs
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||A dispatch by our Embedded
Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain.
For the real story, click here.
To read the main findings (or non-findings, as the
case may be) of the ISG's final report, click
For a full list of the weapons uncovered by the ISG,