The New Mesopotamia Times

ISG calls off search for WMDs, begins search for Elvis

Two years after the invasion of Iraq by the US and Britain, intelligence officials have confirmed the US has officially stopped searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq as of Christmas last year. With the search for WMDs over, officials with the Iraq Survey Group (ISG) - the body established to find the weapons - have returned to the US to embark upon another mission critical to national US interests - the search for Elvis.

Charles Duelfer, the CIA special adviser who led the investigation, said that while no WMDs had been found, the ISG had uncovered huge amounts of chemical and nuclear material in their two-year search of Iraq. "We did find huge stockpiles of the chemical compound silicon dioxide - otherwise, known as sand. Hell, there's a shitload of that stuff there, I can tell you."

Most of the WMDs found in Iraq did not appear to be Iraqi 
Large deposits of uranium were also found throughout the country.  "However, these deposits were mostly depleted uranium shells from our own tanks - mostly deposited in office buildings, mosques, schools and homes," Duelfer explained.

Duelfer said ISG will be releasing a final report soon of their main findings. "And the findings are that we could not find any findings"

However, the ISG will not be completely abandoning its search for WMDs. "We have heard rumours of huge stockpiles of nuclear missiles concealed in large underground silos in the desert," Duelfer said. "A team of investigators is now on the way to Nevada to investigate these claims."

White House officials had been very reluctant to call off the hunt, holding out the possibility that the weapons still existed and were well hidden inside Iraq. In his last visit to Iraq last December, Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was spotted wandering the streets of Baghdad for hours, looking under trash cans and behind sofa cushions, muttering "Goddamit, they must be around here somewhere…."

The US is investigating sightings of Elvis in Iraq
However, the US$800 million allocated to the ISG will continue to be spent - this time on the search for Elvis. "Polls in the US show that 11% of the population - that nearly 16 million American adults - still believe Elvis is alive  The Bush Administration has tasked us with the duty of finding The King of Rock and Roll," Duelfer said. 

"A man fitting the description of Elvis Presley was seen Saturday afternoon buying a doughnut in a Kenosha delicatessen," Duelfer explained. "Witnesses described an older gentleman with white coiffured hair and a large beer belly, wearing a white caped jumpsuit with sequins and blue suede shoes. Unfortunately, when our investigators arrived at the scene, we were told that Elvis had left the building. We are sending inspection teams to other parts of Wisconsin to verify if the sighting is indeed that of The King."

"We are also not discounting the possibility that Elvis is hiding in Iraq, together with WMDs - why do you think we haven't been able to find him either?" Duelfer explained with a wink. "We are exploring sightings of an Elvis lookalike in Sammara who attempted to disguise himself by sporting a Saddam moustache."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has committed two battalions of  the Royal Highland Regiment to support the US search for Elvis and the British intelligence services are compiling a dodgy dossier on the possible whereabouts of The Pelvis.

Duelfer also revealed that the Bush Administration is also evaluating other projects for the ISG to undertake, including the search for Atlantis, the search for Ark of the Covenant and the search for super-intelligent shape-shifting alien reptiles from another planet who control the world and require periodic ingestion of human blood to maintain their human appearance.

When asked if the search for Elvis and the other projects envisaged were just unfounded and outlandish flights of fantasy with absolutely no credible basis of fact or evidence, Duelfer replied "And Iraq's WMDs weren't?"

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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain. For the real story, click here.
To read the main findings (or non-findings, as the case may be) of the ISG's final report, click here.
For a full list of the weapons uncovered by the ISG, click here.