SITUATIONS VACANT

In light of the recent appointment of Malaysia’s new Deputy Prime Minister, the Prime Minister’s Department is pleased to invite applications from patriotic Malaysians to fill the following vacant positions:

DRIVER

Applicants need not have any previous driving experience or even a valid driver’s license - but an excellent memory is essential. Applicants MUST be able to remember details such as dates, times and hotel names. Applicants will be tested on their memory retention abilities on at least 15 items as part of the interview process.

Company directors are encouraged to apply.

HOUSE MAID

The successful applicant would be responsible for the maintenance of bed sheets, mattresses, pillows, cushions, carpets and other household items in the new Deputy Prime Minister’s Residence. Applicants must have a Ph.D. in Microbiology, Genetic Engineering and/or Organic Chemistry, with proven exposure to the latest advanced DNA testing techniques.

Candidates would be tested on their knowledge of ‘stochastic variance’ (or, at the very least, be asked to spell it).

WRITER

This position is being filled in anticipation of the publication of an up-coming book with the working title “50 Dalil Mengapa Abdullah Ahmad Badawi Tidak Boleh Menjadi PM”. Applicants need not have any proven writing ability beyond Primary School Bahasa Malaysia, but applicants must have a flair for fiction, a wild imagination and an excellent sense of the perverse. Applicants must have a good working knowledge of the mechanics of sexual acts such as sodomy, masturbation and adultery. A knowledge of perversions such as paedophilia and bestiality, as well as a complete lack of scruples, would be distinct advantages.

Applicants with garishly coloured hair and awful dress sense would be be preferred.

DEPUTY PRIME MINISTER

Going by tradition and past experience, we expect the above post to be vacant in the not-too-distant future. Applicants are required to be exact replicas of the Prime Minister.


Please address your applications, with c.v. and passport-sized photograph (n.r.) to:

Y.A.B. The Advertiser
Jabatan Perdana Menteri
Jalan Dato’ Onn
50502 Kuala Lumpur

by February 1st, 1999

Shortlisted candidates will be invited for a confidential interview at Bukit Aman Police Headquarters. Full confidentiality is assured.

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