Nov 15, 1999

Anwar to face more court charges

Former Deputy Premier being investigated for assault, war crimes, littering and sinking the Titanic

KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 15 . . . . More charges will be filed against former deputy Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim in an attempt to discredit the Opposition in the run-up to the General Elections in Malaysia. A source close to the ruling party’s Pro-Defamation Committee revealed that evidence is being gathered of Anwar’s direct involvement in the sinking of the Titanic, the eruption of the Mt Pinatubo volcano, the fall of Melaka to the Portuguese in 1511 and at least six counts of World War II war crimes. He will also face trial for two counts of littering, four counts of jaywalking, one count of loitering and various parking offences, all of which will amount to prison terms of not less than 973 years.  

He may also be charged with assaulting a former Inspector General of Police.

Anwar, who has already been convicted of corruption and is facing sodomy charges, will stand for trial after the elections, as soon as the new charges, evidence, judgements and sentence are published in the local media on the eve of the Elections.

“We are determined to expose Anwar for the evil monster he is,” said UMNO Pro-Defamation Committee member Abdool Cadder Tippoo. “No crime is too large or too small. The truth must be known – and if we can’t find it, we’ll make it up!”

The new charges follows months of accusations levelled against Anwar from a variety of poison pen letters, ‘voluntary’ police confessions, statutory declarations, affidavits and even books. The accusations range from treason, corruption and sodomy to wearing wigs and being an agent of the CIA.

The latest charges follows the bulk mailing of thousands of do-it-yourself statutory declarations that allow people to submit their own accusations against Anwar or tick from a convenient menu of crimes. “The response from the public has been encouraging. We have received more than 200 signed declarations from one person alone – a bankrupt fashion designer and professional virgin – and at least a few dozen more from a corrupt former Bank Negara official under criminal investigation. These are not ordinary citizens – these are pillocks, ooops, I mean, pillars of our society.”

One statutory declaration accused Anwar of perpetrating the outbreak of World War II. “We have been given a letter signed by Anwar himself, telling Hitler that ‘Poland is a push-over and you should invade it before the summer holidays end’. When it was mentioned that Anwar was born nearly ten years after the invasion of Poland by Germany, Tippoo said “ that I am sure that such legal technicalities will not prevent our independent courts from dispensing justice.”

Another declaration described how Anwar got the captain of the Titanic drunk at the steering helm and challenged him to “see if you can hit that iceberg.”  Tippoo mumbled incoherently about ‘a typo on his birth certificate’ when asked how Anwar could have been aboard the bridge of the ill-fated ship forty years before he was born.

Tippoo is also investigating a Jewish connection in that Titanic sinking. “Was the iceberg actually a Goldberg? Only Anwar can tell us.”

Another statutory declaration was received from well-know dam builder Ting Bei Jing. “We were debating my plans to clear another few hundred thousand hectares of forest during a Bakun Dam Cabinet Committee. I saw Anwar throw a sweet-wrapper on the floor during one of the coffee-breaks,” the accuser declared. “That man is a menace to the environment.”

Tippoo said that in the light of the accusation, the Cabinet are considering increasing the standard RM500 penalty for littering to sixteen years’ imprisonment.

Anwar is also accused of assaulting the former Inspector General of Police Rocky Noor in Bukit Aman Police headquarters. “We have a statutory declaration from the victim stating that Anwar had viciously attacked the former IGP by punching him on the fist with his head, slapping his hands with his cheek and crushing his knee with his groin. Decent Malaysians cannot tolerate such violence. Anwar is not above the law – he is not the Prime Minister.”

Tippoo denied allegations that the charges are frivolous and cynical. "The charges are all absolutely true. Have we ever lied to you before about beatings in Bukit Aman Police Headquarters? Of course, the Opposition will say that Rahim was safe and sound all the while, and that he beat himself up! They are the liars.”

On a related development, Tippoo denied that Anwar’s current sodomy trial had recently been postponed indefinitely because Mahathir was afraid to be called as a witness during the Election period. “Are you implying our courts are at the beck and call of the Prime Minister? Are you implying our Prime Minsiter was not looking forward to appearing in court to expose the truth? Are you implying our Prime Minister is petrified of Anwar? Are you implying the charges are just part of an evil political conspiracy to destroy Anwar? Are you implying we are afraid of the truth? Are you saying we are trying to silence the Opposition? Do you want a sixty-million ringgit law suit over your head?”

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