|KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 5 . . . . A devastating outbreak of Mad Kow-Tow
disease swept Malaysia last week as hundreds of victims fell to their knees
in servile, humiliating homage to Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad.
With General Elections coming soon, the Associated Chinese Chambers
of Commerce and Industry of Malaysia (ACCIM) and the Federation of Chinese
Associations of Malaysia last week pledged to fully support Prime Minister
Mahathir. "We sincerely pledge to support every measure taken in facing
any threat to the integrity and sovereignty of the country, its economy
and glorious leadership,” ACCCIM assistant secretary-general David Chua
declared at a press conference, foaming in the mouth as he was led away
by men in white coats.
Association of National-Type Chinese Schools Malaysia president Kang
Siew Khoon had to be restrained in a straight-jacket when he declared to
a packed hall of headmasters that “if there was any true father of reformation
in the country, it was the Prime Minister himself”. He has been sedated
and his condition is now said to be stable.
Mad Kow-Tow disease attacks the brain and eliminates any sense of integrity,
self-respect and independent thought in the minds of sufferers. The disease
then eats away at the body until the backbone crumbles and the testicles
wither away. Some of the worst cases have been diagnosed with eyesight
problems, experiencing episodes of blindness to human rights violations,
corruption, cronyism and authoritarianism.
Victims also exhibit an uncontrollable urge to fall on their knees and
apply their tongues to the anuses of passing Prime Ministers or Barisan
The sufferer is ultimately reduced to a quivering lump of jelly who
is constantly muttering “Hidup Mahathir … Malaysia boleh …. hidup Mahathir
… Malaysia boleh ….”
Because of its similarity (in name, anyway) to the Mad Cow disease that
struck Britain last year, police are investigating the possibility that
the Mad Kow-Tow disease is yet another evil foreign plot to recolonise
Malaysia. “It cannot be just coincidence that Mad Cow disease first struck
our former colonial masters and now, one year on, some of the most respected
members of our community are suddenly behaving like cowed idiots,” a senior
Special Branch officer revealed.
The Health Minister declared in a press conference today that his Ministry
has assessed the Mad Kow-Tow epidemic and now knows as much about is as
they do of the J-E and Nipah virus – that is, absolutely nothing.
However, scientists suspect that the source of the virus may be livestock
feed that was tainted by sewage from local newspaper reports.
When interviewed, victims of the Mad Kow-Tow disease said that they
realised they had a problem and that it was a matter of life-and-death.
“In these difficult times, I’d swear blind allegiance to Adolf Hitler if
I had to,” one businessman admitted. “I have a condo in Queensland and
a villa in Swizerland to look after,” he said woefully.
“I don’t know what all the fuss is all about,” another victim continued.
“People like Ling Liong Sik have been kow-towing for years.”
When contacted, Ling only had one comment to make: “Mooo.”