Nov 28, 1999

 
Nazional Front presents pre-Election Victory Awards

KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 28 . . . . Confident of a landslide election victory exceeding the scale of the Genting land slip a few years, the Nazional Front conducted a special awards ceremony on the eve of polling day in recognition of those who had contributed to their impending Titanic success.

Nazional Front leader Mahathir Mohamad expressed gratitude to all of those who had contributed to yet another five years of Nazional Front rule. “We knew it would be an uphill fight for us. We entered the polls against all odds, facing almost insurmountable problems such as almost unlimited public funds at our disposal, complete control of the government machinery and having the mass media at our beck and call. But we will triumph in the end – thanks to the unscrupulousness of our candidates, the imagination of our videomakers and, most of all, our ability to scare the living daylights out of the majority of Malaysians.”

Among the awards presented were the Joseph Stalin Photography Award, which went to the Sin Chew Jit Poh newspaper, which removed the face of former Deputy Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim from a photograph of Nazional Front leaders and pasted in its place the face of the current Deputy, Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. Unfortunately, this has now resulted in suspicions that pictures used of Mahathir Mohamad in the local press are not actually of his face, but that of a 73-year old security guard working Batang Berjuntai.

The Linda Lovelace Pornography Award goes to the videotape which recently surfaced in many parts of the country alleging that Anwar had engaged in sodomy. It is not known how such detailed investigative journalism had only surfaced just days before the Elections and not once during Anwar’s corruption trial last year and his sodomy trial which began many months ago.

The United Nations International Goodwill Award goes to Deputy Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, who said that Australia, Britain, Canada and the United States “are interfering by offering support to the opposition with a view to toppling the Barisan Nasional government”. It is not known if the former Foreign Minister will advise the upcoming new Parliament to issue a formal declaration of war on these countries.

On the other hand, the Wisma Putra Meddling Foreigner Award goes to the People’s Republic of China’s Prime Minister Zhu Rongji , who said that his timely visit to Malaysia was coincidental and “had nothing to do with local politics” but still praised the Nazional Front candidate for Kubang Pasu for his “wise” policies and government.

The Rahim Thamby Chik Respect For Women Award goes to the MCA for their sharp insight into the female anatomy when one of its candidates, referring to his lady DAP opponent, quite tastefully observed that she squats when she pee-pees. The individual in question quite proudly announced that he urinates standing up.

The Mother Theresa Compassion Award goes to Mahathir Mohamed, who yesterday told voters not to sympathise with Datin Seri Wan Azizah who "goes around with her daughter crying". Coincidentally, Mahathir himself is well-known for his Oscar-winning crying scenes during television appearances and at UMNO General Assemblies.

The David Copperfield Disappearing Act Award goes to Elections Commission who made 680,000 voters disappear when it announced that they were not eligible to vote yet this year, then made at least 200,000 new voters suspected of using false identity cards magically re-appear, according to Opposition claims. Coincidentally, the Opposition found many of these suspected illegal voters in Mahathir Mohamad's Kubang Pasu constituency.

The Joseph Goebbels Creative Advertising Award goes to the series Nazional Front elections advertisements that promote peace, harmony and unity by scaring the shit out of people.

The Kadir Jasin Independent Journalism Award was presented to all the editors of the local media for their unbiased without-fear-or-favour coverage of how saintly and wonderful the Nazional Front is and of how the Opposition were just a bunch of fanatical looters.

The Mr Bean Comedian of the Year Award, on the other hand, was presented to the Elections Commission for their public statement urging the local media to provide “fair coverage to all parties”.

Note: The above story was, by the way, presented with the Shahnon Ahmad ‘It’s-satire-stupid’ Award.

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