MCA branch leader Ting Tow Kay vehemently denied claims that the ruling party is using Premier Zhu’s visit to win Chinese votes in the run-up to the elections and that the shock nomination was just part of that strategy. “It is a lie to say that he would be drawn into the Barisan Nasional's general election campaign. This is not a desperate ploy to woo Chinese votes. Just because we want the Chinese Premier to go around the country, cuddle up with the Prime Minister and ask Malaysian Chinese to vote for us does not mean that we are desperate.”

Not to be outdone, Mahathir Indian Congress (MIC) officials added that they were also inviting Indian Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee for a State visit to Sungai Siput next week. “This is not a desperate ploy to woo Indian votes. Just because we want the Indian Prime Minister to go around the country, cuddle up with the Prime Minister and ask Malaysian Indians to vote for us does not mean that we are desperate.”

Chinese embassy spokesman Ling Rionxick confirmed receipt of the nomination papers but declined to reveal if the Premier had accepted the nomination. “His Excellency is flattered by the gesture but must give some reflection to this matter. The government of the People’s Republic is not very familiar with this democracy thingy, you know …but, then again, neither is yours.”

Nevertheless, Ling added that Premier Zhu was looking forward to the State Visit. “Hundreds, possibly thousands, of pro-democracy activists and government opponents have been detained in China over the past year. Some had been sentenced after unfair trials, others are held without charge or trial. Political trials continued to fall short of international fair trial standards. The media in China is cowed. Opposition is silenced. Torture, beatings and ill-treatment of political prisoners is common.”

“There is a lot we share in common with Malaysia. His Excellency will feel right at home.”

Meanwhile, Ling added that preparations are underway to give Premier Zhu a rousing welcome to Malaysia. Merdeka Square has been renamed Tiananmen Square in honour of his visit. “The new name certainly more truly reflects what has been happening there for the past year,” Ling noted.

Zhu will also be inspecting a guard of honour consisting of 500 FRU riot police. This will be followed by a special display of crowd control techniques, where riot police will disperse a crowd of illegal assembly detainees with water cannons, tear gas and baton charges. “We are sure the premier will be highly entertained by the display and it will be educational”

The two countries will also announce a number of diplomatic breakthroughs during the visit. “Malaysia has agreed to respect the People’s Republic’s claims to the Spratly Islands. In exchange, China has agreed to let Malaysia use various remote, cold parts of Tibet as a holiday spa for its political detainees.”

Various trade agreements are also expected to be announced, including a unique barter trade deal where Malaysia will exchange a number of water cannons used in this year’s Kuala Lumpur demonstrations for a platoon of Chinese T-84 tanks that were used at Tiananmen Square.

Foreign Ministry officials would not comment if the visit of the Chinese Premier represented a shift from official government policy that foreigners were out to re-colonise us. For no apparent reason, they also denied ever meeting officials from the Israeli Foreign Ministry or ever having heard of Israel.

Note: All names, organisations and characters mentioned in the above political satire are fictional and bear no relevance to actual persons living, dead, brain-dead or under the Internal Security Act.