|KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 30 . . . . Malaysia today joyously celebrated
UMNO’s landslide victory in the country’s tenth general elections. In a
crushing display of strength and popularity, UMNO not only managed to successfully
lose 24 Parliamentary seats and 71 state seats but also lost a whole State,
in addition to four Cabinet Ministers and five deputy ministers.
“We are thrilled by this victory,” said an UMNO spokesman who, out of
acute embarrassment, refused to disclose his identity and wore a paper
bag over his head. “The Barisan Nasional started the elections with only
166 seats in Parliament but we have now managed to increase that to 148,”
said the spokesperson, who was never very good at maths in school.
“We have lost more seats than any other component party in the Barisan
Nasional,” he added. “This clearly demonstrates the leadership position
UMNO has in the coalition.”
“We have also managed to destroy the Opposition by doubling the number
of seats they have in Parliament to 45 and, in the case of PAS, even tripling
their state seats. We can thank only UMNO for this achievement,” he noted.
“We have even managed to have more Opposition parliamentary seats than
UMNO ones in the Prime Minister’s own home state of Kedah, “ he declared
proudly. “The future of UMNO looks bright there.”
When asked if the election results were, in fact, a Pyrrhic victory
for UMNO, the spokesman said. “Let me stress that it was a clear Barisan
Nasional victory, not a Pyrrhic victory. In fact, I don’t believe the Pyrrhic
Party even won a single seat,” said the spokesman, whose knowledge of English
idiom left a lot to be desired as well.
UMNO also managed to significantly slash the majorities it held in the
seats it was defending. Even popular Kubang Pasu MP, Mahathir Mohamad,
successfully slashed his majority from 17,000 to slightly over 10,000.
“Due to the hard work and commitment of our candidates, we have managed
make major cuts in these embarrassingly large margins,” said Education
Minister Najib Tun Razak, who was still wiping the pee stains from his
trousers when he narrowly held his seat by a wafer-thin majority of 241
votes – about a third of the number of spoilt votes in his constituency.
Some UMNO candidates were so good at reducing BN majorities that they
even lost their seats, such as the Former Religions Affairs Minister Abdul
Othman Hamid who was beaten by national laureate and satirist Datuk Shahnon
Ahmad in Sik. When asked to comment on the shock defeat, all Othman could
say was “Shit!”
On the other hand, UMNO parliamentary candidate and former deputy minister
in charge of legal affairs Ibrahim Ali thanked the people for allowing
him to be soundly trounced in the Pasir Mas contest. “The good folks at
Pasir Mas obviously recognise the valuable service I am doing for them
in the UMNO Anti-Defamation Committee and don’t want me to waste my time
with trivial matters such as being their member of Parliament,” Ibrahim
observed. However, he still hopes to be an MP some day and said that he
is contemplating hopping over to the MCA soon in order to give himself
a better chance of getting elected next time.
UMNO candidate for Peringat, former Rural Development Minister Annuar
Musa, who lost his seat to Keadilan, attributed his defeat to having a
name that sounds like the name of two former deputy Prime Ministers. “Those
two names spell bad karma, man, especially when you’re in UMNO” he noted.
Former Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Minister Megat Junid attributed
his loss in Parit to rising seafood prices, due to the current arsenic
scare. Former Second Finance Minister Mustapha Mohamed blamed his shock
defeat on mistaken identity. “Voters probably mistook me for the First
Finance Minister,” he said.
The lone successful UMNO MP for Kelantan, Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah, was
asked to comment on the future of his much-publicised ‘Rampas Kelantan!’
(‘Capture Kelantan!’) campaign. ‘It has as much future as my chances of
being deputy PM now, I suppose,’ he remarked philosophically.
In the neighbouring state of Terengganu, Opposition parties were still
reeling from the crushing death blows it received from UMNO. “It was a
disaster,” said new Terengganu Chief Minister Hj Abdul Hadi Awang of PAS.
“UMNO’s victorious onslaught left us with every single one of the eight
Parliamentary seats and 28 of the 32 state seats. UMNO skillfully outflanked
us and we suddenly find ourselves stuck with leading a State Government
and burdened with half a billion ringgit in annual oil revenues. Those
guys were good.”
In a related development, Barisan Nasional’s Seputeh candidate Sua Chong
Keh gracefully accepted his defeat by DAP’s Teresa Kok. Sua caused some
controversy during the run-up to the polls when he remarked that he was
standing as a candidate while his opponent, being a woman, was squatting.
“I accept the verdict of the people,” Sua declared in a press conference
in a public lavatory in Taman Seputeh. “I promise that I shall now squat
when I urinate.”
Meanwhile, Internet satirist Sabri Zain warmly welcomed the Barisan
Nasional’s victory in the general elections. “The people have spoken,”
he declared. “And they want me to poke fun at the Barisan Nasional for
another five years. I shall not disappoint them.”