Not The New Straits Times

March 1 - 15, 2000

Published twice monthly


UFO lands in Kelantan

Melaka sacks Opposition supporters

Anwar assault trial postponed

Pinochet sends greetings

Crime on the rise

Minister claims RMAF is crap

Chinese soaps 'a bad influence'

FEATURE: The Knowledge Economy

Mahahtir wants 'brain gain'

National media system mooted

Eliminate the 'secrecy syndrome', says PM

Minister makes quantum leap into IT

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UFO lands in Kelantan
A large object emitting rays of light was reported to have landed on a piece of marshland in Tanah Merah, Kelantan, stunning some 1,000 on-lookers. Local villagers said the object descended from the sky at about 3 a.m., leaving a 15m x 3m crater at the landing site. While engineers from the Drainage and Irrigation Department said the formation of the crater was "not unusual", reports have recently emerged claiming that locals have already been abducted by aliens. Suspicion grew when it was later revealed that, coincidentally, all the abductees were UMNO members who intended to nominate Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah for top posts in the upcoming UMNO elections.

One terror-stricken victim who escaped his alien captors said the UFO was piloted by frog-like creatures wearing songkoks and strange red and white uniforms. "They performed unspeakable medical experiments on me, while chanting repeatedly 'Don't nominate Ku Li, don't nominate Ku Li .' "

Another victim who managed to evade his kidnappers said the aliens promised to release him "just as soon as the elections in May are over."

Skeptical FBI investigator Dana Scully dismissed the claims that supporters of Tengku Razaleigh were abducted by aliens. "These people aren't missing at all - they're just too scared to leave their homes to nominate him."

Melaka sacks Opposition supporters

The Melaka Chief Minister Mohamed Ali Rustam has issued a directive to the State administration to terminate the contracts of doctors and lawyers who are known to be supporters of Opposition parties. A leading official of the civil serbants' union, CUEPACS, Mr Siva Kotetonggi welcomed the move. "Civil servants must swear their blind, unswerving loyalty to the government," he declared, as he removed his nose from the anus of Mohamed Ali in a press conference in Melaka this month.

Kotetinggi said the move was not a spiteful vendetta against the Opposition but merely an attempt to be fair to doctors and lawyers who supported the government. "It is only right that Opposition supporters are replaced with people who will sink and swim with the government - no matter how stupid, incompetent or corrupt they are," he said, as he crawled slowly on all fours while kissing the feet of the Chief Minister.

Government expects nothing less than blind loyalty

"The government should expect only the best - the best arse-lickers, I mean," he added, demonstrating his loyalty by applying his tongue to the Chief Minister's bottom.

"The government has every right to punish employees who voted for the Opposition," Kotetonggi said as he attempted to gently carry the Minister's scrotum. "If the Chief Minister doesn't like your political beliefs or your religious beliefs or the colour of your skin or that squint in your eye, it is his democratic right to get rid of you for someone with the right 'qualifications'"

Kotetonggi encouraged the government to take sterner action against all Malaysians who did not pledge their undying love to the Nazional Front and its glorious leaders. "Don't just stop at transfers and sackings. Opposition supporters should be deported, hanged, shot! Send them to the concentration camps! Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Sieg heil!"