Not The New Straits Times

May 16 -31, 2000

Published twice monthly


Cantonese soap opera sensation!

Malaysians second longest in Asia

Four-year old called to testify in court

Curse on Langkawi officially lifted

Mahathir speaks up for Aussie natives

Melaka officials to be sent back to kindergarten

Wanita unites after UMNO elections

UMNO declares war on traitors

Chief Justice rapped for holiday with tycoon's lawyer

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Cantonese soap opera sensation!.

A new Cantonese soap opera produced by local company MCA Productions last month has had the nation gripped in suspense for the past few weeks. Called "Once Upon A Time in Malaysia", the period drama revolves around Ah Ling, a clan chieftain and a trusted Eunuch of the Emperor of Heaven, Emperor Mah. Ah Ling helps Emperor Mah drive out the invading Moghuls when half of the Emperor's army defects to the enemy. However, despite this help and his persistent groveling, Ah Ling is snubbed by the Emperor when he refuses to appoint more eunuchs from Ah Ling's clan.

Ah Ling's second-in-command Ah Lek criticizes Ah Ling for being a Eunuch with no balls and civil war is imminent in the clan. To add to his woes, vicious rumours emerge that Ah Ling's wealthy son is sleeping with a fugitive bandit king by the name of Ah Soh. Dejected, Ah Ling resigns as a Eunuch, though court officials explain it may be a little difficult returning his testicles back to him.

Ah Ling's clan members grovel in the dirt begging him to return to the court, then proceed to grovel in the dirt before Emperor Mah as well. But Ah Ling retreats to meditate in a strange, far-away land where magical animals with pouches hop around and people drink a mystical elixir called Fosters. More clan members pursue him and grovel in the dirt, but Ah Ling continues to sulk.

Local newspapers have been filling their pages for weeks with new episodes of the soap opera, but local drama fans are not impressed. "It is a typical MCA Productions soap opera," said a local Chinese drama fan who refused to be named. "Terrible acting, weak storylines and lame excuses, oops, I mean, lame dialogue."

"And the plot is sooooooo predictable! Give me a Chow Yun Fat or Jet Li action movie anytime," he concluded.

Malaysia Boleh! Malaysian males are second longest in Asia

Malaysians rank second behind the Taiwanese in the use of Viagra, according to a survey done by the drug's manufacturer Pfizer.

A spokesman for the company, A Mahalingam, said that this was not only evident in the use of the drug but in the example set by its political leaders as well. "Upright and upstanding leaders such as Dr Mahathir clearly demonstrate the philosophy behind Viagra - once you go up, you mustn't come down!"

"The long staying power of your government's politicians is a constant source of inspiration to Viagra users around the world."

He added that increased coverage in the local press about sodomy, anuses, penises, masturbation and stained mattresses also helped in creating greater awareness of sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction. "Again, we have to thank Malaysia's political leadership for exposing the public to these issues."

Mr Mahalingam was speaking at a special workshop organized by UMNO on "How to write sexual 'dalils' against your opponents". His speech, which was the climax of the event, received a firm standing ovation from the members present.