Not The New Straits Times


April 2000


Published twice monthly


IN THIS ISSUE

Thousands run riot in Kuala Lumpur

US criticises police crackdown on demos

Police recover lethal weapon from Reformasi supporter

Opticians donate glasses to NUJ

Human Rights Commission not an April Fool joke

Mahahtir's call to restore democracy not an April Fool joke

Malaysia in danger of losing world record

Melaka Wall to prevent entry of 'bad influences'

Singapore apology media reports

Philippines rejects hostage rescue plan

Foreign Ministry denies G77 rumour

UMNO sends fact-finding mission to Zimbabwe



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Malaysia in danger of losing world record
Malaysia faces the prospect of losing a world record when it was revealed that the world's oldest virgin is not Malaysian. Malaysia stunned the scientific world in 1998 when bankrupt fashion designer Ummi Thurman Ali revealed in numerous press conferences and articles that, at 33, she was still a virgin.

"Saya masih dara," cooed the alleged virgin in a canary yellow, knee-length Christian Dior skirt, with matching Versace jacket and open-necked Chanel blouse.

However, a defence witness in the Anwar Ibrahim trial, Nor Azman Abdullah, this month testified that he had sex with Ummi. "We had sex when we went to London for five days in June 1998," he claimed. It is not known if this occurred on all five consecutive days and nights, or if there were breaks in between.

Ummi's brother lent weight to the claim when he testified this month that she had "run away with a married man overseas."


Ummi: No longer world's oldest virgin?

"These testimonies are certainly a blow to the country," said a spokesman for the Malaysia Boleh World Records Association. "We are now scouring the country for alternative virgins who are as old as the current record holder, if not older."

Court testimony this month also revealed that Ummi's late father had disowned her because of this illicit affair, completely wrecking her chances of winning the Marina Mahathir Daughter of the Year Award.


Wall to prevent entry of 'bad influences' into Melaka


Sources in the Melaka State Government today revealed that Melaka is considering building a 100-foot high Melaka Wall around the state to ensure that 'bad influences' from Kelantan and Terengganu do not encroach into the State.

The move is a follow-up to the announcement this month that Melaka government departments and agencies are banned from making official vists to the PAS-ruled states of Kelantan and Terengganu. Chief Minister Mohd Ali Rustam said the ban was to ensure Melaka government staff were "protected from the bad influences" of the two states.

A State Government spokesman who refused to be named said that preventing Melakans from going to those states may not be enough to 'protect' them. "Hopefully, the Wall will shut out those 'bad influences' more directly."

Modelled along the lines of the Berlin Wall, the Melaka Wall will be built along the complete length of the state's borders. Constructed of reinforced concrete, it will be lined with barbed wires, electric fences, guard dogs and machine gun posts to deter any incursions by Kelantan and Terengganu residents. Special electronic sensors will also be installed at entry points to detect 'budu' and any other substances that may be of Kelantan or Terengganu origin.

Melaka residents who visit other states in Malaysia will also be screened by medical teams to ensure that they had not been exposed to people from Kelantan and Terengganu. Special quarantine camps will be set up for those infected, where they will be decontaminated of all 'bad influences' by being forced to listen to videotaped speeches of Ali Rustam for 500 hours continuously.

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