Not The New Straits Times


November 1999


Special Elections Issue


IN THIS ISSUE

Malaysia struck by Mad Kow-Tow Disease

World leaders express support for Mahahtir

Anwar to face more court charges

Chinese Premier to stand for BN

BN outraged over local media coverage

Nazional Front launches advertising blitzkrieg

Nazional Front presents pre-Election Victory awards

UMNO celebrates landslide victory!

UMNO politicians placed on endangered species list

Malaysia struck by strange paranormal phenomena



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Malaysia hit by Mad Kow-Tow Disease
Businessmen and educationists latest to succumb to brain-destroying epidemic

KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 5 . . . . A devastating outbreak of Mad Kow-Tow disease swept Malaysia last week as hundreds of victims fell to their knees in servile, humiliating homage to Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad.

With General Elections coming soon, the Associated Chinese Chambers of Commerce and Industry of Malaysia (ACCIM) and the Federation of Chinese Associations of Malaysia last week pledged to fully support Prime Minister Mahathir. "We sincerely pledge to support every measure taken in facing any threat to the integrity and sovereignty of the country, its economy and glorious leadership,” ACCCIM assistant secretary-general David Chua declared at a press conference, foaming in the mouth as he was led away by men in white coats.


The ACCIM meeting pledge their support for
Mahathir in the coming elections
Association of National-Type Chinese Schools Malaysia president Kang Siew Khoon had to be restrained in a straight-jacket when he declared to a packed hall of headmasters that “if there was any true father of reformation in the country, it was the Prime Minister himself”. He has been sedated and his condition is now said to be stable.

Mad Kow-Tow disease attacks the brain and eliminates any sense of integrity, self-respect and independent thought in the minds of sufferers. The disease then eats away at the body until the backbone crumbles and the testicles wither away. Some of the worst cases have been diagnosed with eyesight problems, experiencing episodes of blindness to human rights violations, corruption, cronyism and authoritarianism.

Victims also exhibit an uncontrollable urge to fall on their knees and apply their tongues to the anuses of passing Prime Ministers or Barisan Nasional politicians.

The sufferer is ultimately reduced to a quivering lump of jelly who is constantly muttering “Hidup Mahathir … Malaysia boleh …. hidup Mahathir … Malaysia boleh ….”

Because of its similarity (in name, anyway) to the Mad Cow disease that struck Britain last year, police are investigating the possibility that the Mad Kow-Tow disease is yet another evil foreign plot to recolonise Malaysia. “It cannot be just coincidence that Mad Cow disease first struck our former colonial masters and now, one year on, some of the most respected members of our community are suddenly behaving like cowed idiots,” a senior Special Branch officer revealed.

The Health Minister declared in a press conference today that his Ministry has assessed the Mad Kow-Tow epidemic and now knows as much about is as they do of the J-E and Nipah virus – that is, absolutely nothing.

However, scientists suspect that the source of the virus may be livestock feed that was tainted by sewage from local newspaper reports.

When interviewed, victims of the Mad Kow-Tow disease said that they realised they had a problem and that it was a matter of life-and-death. “In these difficult times, I’d swear blind allegiance to Adolf Hitler if I had to,” one businessman admitted. “I have a condo in Queensland and a villa in Swizerland to look after,” he said woefully.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is all about,” another victim continued. “People like Ling Liong Sik have been kow-towing for years.”

When contacted, Ling only had one comment to make: “Mooo.”