IN THIS ISSUE
struck by Mad Kow-Tow Disease
leaders express support for Mahahtir
to face more court charges
Premier to stand for BN
outraged over local media coverage
Front launches advertising blitzkrieg
Front presents pre-Election Victory awards
celebrates landslide victory!
politicians placed on endangered species list
struck by strange paranormal phenomena
|UMNO celebrates landslide victory!
KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 30. . . . Malaysia today joyously
celebrated UMNO’s landslide victory in the country’s tenth general elections.
In a crushing display of strength and popularity, UMNO not only managed
to successfully lose 24 Parliamentary seats and 71 state seats but also
lost a whole State, in addition to four Cabinet Ministers and five deputy
“We are thrilled by this victory,” said an UMNO spokesman
who, out of acute embarrassment, refused to disclose his identity and wore
a paper bag over his head. “The Barisan Nasional started the elections
with only 166 seats in Parliament but we have now managed to increase that
to 148,” said the spokesperson, who was never very good at maths in school.
Voters celebrate Mahathir's election victory
“We have lost more seats than any other component party
in the Barisan Nasional,” he added. “This clearly demonstrates the leadership
position UMNO has in the coalition.”
“We have also managed to destroy the Opposition by doubling
the number of seats they have in Parliament to 45 and, in the case of PAS,
even tripling their state seats. We can thank only UMNO for this achievement,”
“We have even managed to have more Opposition parliamentary
seats than UMNO ones in the Prime Minister’s own home state of Kedah, “
he declared proudly. “The future of UMNO looks bright there.”
Najib: Still wiping
his pee stains
|When asked if the election results were, in fact, a Pyrrhic
victory for UMNO, the spokesman said. “Let me stress that it was a clear
Barisan Nasional victory, not a Pyrrhic victory. In fact, I don’t believe
the Pyrrhic Party even won a single seat,” said the spokesman, whose knowledge
of English idiom left a lot to be desired as well.
UMNO also managed to significantly slash the majorities
it held in the seats it was defending. Even popular Kubang Pasu MP, Mahathir
Mohamad, successfully slashed his majority from 17,000 to slightly over
10,000. “Due to the hard work and commitment of our candidates, we have
managed make major cuts in these embarrassingly large margins,” said Education
Minister Najib Tun Razak, who was still wiping the pee stains from his
trousers when he narrowly held his seat by a wafer-thin majority of 241
votes – about a third of the number of spoilt votes in his constituency.
|Some UMNO candidates were so good at reducing BN majorities
that they even lost their seats, such as the Former Religions Affairs Minister
Abdul Othman Hamid who was beaten by national laureate and satirist Datuk
Shahnon Ahmad in Sik. When asked to comment on the shock defeat, all Othman
could say was “Shit!”
On the other hand, UMNO parliamentary candidate and former
deputy minister in charge of legal affairs Ibrahim Ali thanked the people
for allowing him to be soundly trounced in the Pasir Mas contest. “The
good folks at Pasir Mas obviously recognise the valuable service I am doing
for them in the UMNO Anti-Defamation Committee and don’t want me to waste
my time with trivial matters such as being their member of Parliament,”
Ibrahim observed. However, he still hopes to be an MP some day and said
that he is contemplating hopping over to the MCA soon in order to give
himself a better chance of getting elected next time.
UMNO candidate for Peringat, former Rural Development
Minister Annuar Musa, who lost his seat to Keadilan, attributed his defeat
to having a name that sounds like the name of two former deputy Prime Ministers.
“Those two names spell bad karma, man, especially when you’re in UMNO”
Former Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Minister Megat
Junid attributed his loss in Parit to rising seafood prices, due to the
current arsenic scare. Former Second Finance Minister Mustapha Mohamed
blamed his shock defeat on mistaken identity. “Voters probably mistook
me for the First Finance Minister,” he said.
The lone successful UMNO MP for Kelantan, Tengku Razaleigh
Hamzah, was asked to comment on the future of his much-publicised ‘Rampas
Kelantan!’ (‘Capture Kelantan!’) campaign. ‘It has as much future as my
chances of being deputy PM now, I suppose,’ he remarked philosophically.
In the neighbouring state of Terengganu, Opposition parties
were still reeling from the crushing death blows it received from UMNO.
“It was a disaster,” said new Terengganu Chief Minister Hj Abdul Hadi Awang
of PAS. “UMNO’s victorious onslaught left us with every single one of the
eight Parliamentary seats and 28 of the 32 state seats. UMNO skillfully
outflanked us and we suddenly find ourselves stuck with leading a State
Government and burdened with half a billion ringgit in annual oil revenues.
Those guys were good.”
In a related development, Barisan Nasional’s Seputeh candidate
Sua Chong Keh gracefully accepted his defeat by DAP’s Teresa Kok. Sua caused
some controversy during the run-up to the polls when he remarked that he
was standing as a candidate while his opponent, being a woman, was squatting.
“I accept the verdict of the people,” Sua declared in a press conference
in a public lavatory in Taman Seputeh. “I promise that I shall now squat
when I urinate.”
Meanwhile, Internet satirist Sabri Zain warmly welcomed
the Barisan Nasional’s victory in the general elections. “The people have
spoken,” he declared. “And they want me to poke fun at the Barisan Nasional
for another five years. I shall not disappoint them.”
Hamid: Shit on by Shahnon
Ibrahim: Hops out of Parliament
Annuar: Unlucky name
Junid: Will now spend more
time with airhead movie-star wife