IN THIS ISSUE
struck by Mad Kow-Tow Disease
leaders express support for Mahahtir
to face more court charges
Premier to stand for BN
outraged over local media coverage
Front launches advertising blitzkrieg
Front presents pre-Election Victory awards
celebrates landslide victory!
politicians placed on endangered species list
struck by strange paranormal phenomena
|Nazional Front pre-Election Victory Awards
|KUALA LUMPUR, Nov 28 . . . . Confident
of a landslide election victory exceeding the scale of the Genting land
slip a few years, the Nazional Front conducted a special awards ceremony
on the eve of polling day in recognition of those who had contributed to
their impending Titanic success.
Nazional Front leader Mahathir Mohamad expressed gratitude
to all of those who had contributed to yet another five years of Nazional
Front rule. “We knew it would be an uphill fight for us. We entered the
polls against all odds, facing almost insurmountable problems such as almost
unlimited public funds at our disposal, complete control of the government
machinery and having the mass media at our beck and call. But we will triumph
in the end – thanks to the unscrupulousness of our candidates, the imagination
of our videomakers and, most of all, our ability to scare the living daylights
out of the majority of Malaysians.”
Sin Chew Jit Poh wins Joseph Stalin Photography Award
for best doctored photograph
|Among the awards presented were the Joseph Stalin Photography
Award, which went to the Sin Chew Jit Poh newspaper, which removed the
face of former Deputy Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim from a photograph of
Nazional Front leaders and pasted in its place the face of the current
Deputy, Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. Unfortunately, this has now resulted in
suspicions that pictures used of Mahathir Mohamad in the local press are
not actually of his face, but that of a 73-year old security guard working
The Linda Lovelace Pornography Award goes to the videotape
which recently surfaced in many parts of the country alleging that Anwar
had engaged in sodomy. It is not known how such detailed investigative
journalism had only surfaced just days before the Elections and not once
during Anwar’s corruption trial last year and his sodomy trial which began
many months ago.
The United Nations International Goodwill Award goes to
Deputy Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, who said that Australia, Britain,
Canada and the United States “are interfering by offering support to the
opposition with a view to toppling the Barisan Nasional government”.
It is not known if the former Foreign Minister will advise
the upcoming new Parliament to issue a formal declaration of war on these
|On the other hand, the Wisma Putra Meddling Foreigner
Award goes to the People’s Republic of China’s Prime Minister Zhu Rongji
, who said that his timely visit to Malaysia was coincidental and “had
nothing to do with local politics” but still praised the Nazional Front
candidate for Kubang Pasu for his “wise” policies and government.
The Rahim Thamby Chik Respect For Women Award goes to
the MCA for their sharp insight into the female anatomy when one of its
candidates, referring to his lady DAP opponent, quite tastefully observed
that she squats when she pee-pees. The individual in question quite proudly
announced that he urinates standing up.
Zhu: Meddling foreigner
The Mother Theresa Compassion Award goes to Mahathir Mohamed,
who yesterday told voters not to sympathise with Datin Seri Wan Azizah
who "goes around with her daughter crying". Coincidentally, Mahathir
himself is well-known for his Oscar-winning crying scenes during television
appearances and at UMNO General Assemblies.
Kadir Jasin: Independent
|The David Copperfield Disappearing Act Award goes to
Elections Commission who made 680,000 voters disappear when it announced
that they were not eligible to vote yet this year, then made at least 200,000
new voters suspected of using false identity cards magically re-appear,
according to Opposition claims. Coincidentally, the Opposition found many
of these suspected illegal voters in Mahathir Mohamad's Kubang Pasu constituency.
The Joseph Goebbels Creative Advertising Award goes to
the series Nazional Front elections advertisements that promote peace,
harmony and unity by scaring the shit out of people.
The Kadir Jasin Independent Journalism Award was presented
to all the editors of the local media for their unbiased without-fear-or-favour
coverage of how saintly and wonderful the Nazional Front is and of how
the Opposition were just a bunch of fanatical looters.
The Mr Bean Comedian of the Year Award, on the other hand,
was presented to the Elections Commission for their public statement urging
the local media to provide “fair coverage to all parties”.